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obsessive compulsive diaries: september 27, 2021

hihi and welcome back to my blog about OCD! sit here and join me as I rant about my few days ever since I had *another* bad OCD relapse.

anyways, lately i've had another OCD relapse (sadly) and so i'm here to talk about the paranoia that accompanies OCD.

OCD can be made up by a lot of things; wether it be anxiety, intrusive thoughts or other things along the lines of things like that. anxiety is a true bitch, however, when it's paired with OCD.

my biggest fear? a house fire. and because of my extreme fear of that- OCD has an absolute field day with me because of it. it ranges from, "did i turn the stove off?" to even going as far as making me unplug certain items in my home (e.g power cords, fans, lamps, etc) just to get some fleeting moment of temporary relief for my poor OCD brain.

but it's only temporary relief. sigh.

i'd definitely say one of my biggest issues with OCD is unplugging things. it definitely annoys a lot of people in my house, because i'll unplug extension cords that my family uses to charge their phones- oops... 
it even went as far as to make me unplug my LED lights in my room, which have been plugged in for a YEAR, and it took me forever to overcome that compulsion.

OCD and anxiety sincerely do not mix!!
I also have this weird OCD "archetype"; i'll try my best to explain:
basically, if I wore a specific shirt during a time when I experienced something traumatic, I struggle to wear the same shirt, ever again. normally, I can overcome this because let's face it, it's clothing and I kinda need that shit- but it's very hard. this is very triggering for OCD.

i'm also gonna expand more on OCD stereotypes: the "movie" version of OCD, which unfortunately makes a lot of people think that this is OCD, seems to be a person very organized, tidy and *obsessed* with cleaning.
which... yeah, contamination is an OCD archetype, sure, but people with OCD don't *love* or get absolutely head-over-heels for their compulsions. it's actually very hard and mentally and physically draining. 
people seem to also say, "I'm a little OCD too! I love (insert something here about being organized or tidy)". 
there's no such thing as a "little OCD".

I remember being one of those people who thought OCD was just an obsession with cleaning, and then I actually got OCD, lmao.
it's not just cleaning, it's so much more. 
it's being unable to sleep or get work/chores done because of your thoughts or compulsions.
it's being unable to feel normal because your compulsions make you think you're odd.
it's feeling like you're going to lose your mind because of how crazy OCD drives you.
it's genuine mental hell- you never realize who much of a luxury you have with being able to tell your brain to stop torturing you; until you don't have it anymore.
the feeling of my brain taking control over me and not being able to stop is absolutely terrifying. it makes me feel so genuinely helpless due to my OCD.

and some of the time, I can understand my OCD thoughts and rebel against them- not always, but sometimes.
there will be times when I try to rebel, however, and my brain immediately pulls out a series of intrusive sentences that it *knows* will make me do my ritualistic compulsions.
It'd take me all damn day to say all of them here, that's for sure, but a few are:
"If you don't do this, then (name of my beloved) will stop loving you!"
"Fine, then when your house burns down, you'll be to blame."
"If you rebel against this, it truly shows how little love you have for your family/your beloved."

yeah, pretty stupid how my brain can absolutely control me by using my own family and s/o against me- funny, right?
you'd think since I'm the one with the power to stand up and walk, and talk, and move all of my limbs- I'd be able to have the upper hand in a mental argument with myself.
but nah... not when my brain is so absolutely amazing at manipulating me! 

but out of all of this- I don't actually deeply hate my OCD at all. I'm glad I got to be able to have it in this life so that I can advocate for it, help other people identify their possible OCD, and make other OCD sufferers feel less alone with their OCD experience.
we're all in this together- OCD is a bitch but I'm sure one day I'll be able to overcome my own brain. :)

goodnight everyone. <3 

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angelvampire's profile picture

I also do that thing where I associate clothes with certain memories.

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