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Since I was a child, it was like every event in my life related to my future wanted me to end up in Psychology. One of my aunts told me to take it so I could get a relatively easy job in HR. My junior high school years were spent thinking over which strand I should take in senior high school. Of course, I chose Humanities and Social Sciences. It was almost like fate that I end up in Psychology and by then, I've already taken an interest in the human mind. How it works, why it works, you know, the basics. As dire as it may sound, my relationship with my abusive aunt solidified this interest as I put many hours into thinking why she was the way she was, why she treated me the way she did, what was the best way to handle her that caused the minimal amount of emotional turmoil (on me; I could care less how she felt at that point), etcetera.


And then COVID-19 happened. My life and my future took a turn for, what I could only describe as the worst. I finished senior high school behind the screen of my computer but my grades weren't enough to enter my college of choice. I found another that would accept me but had to choose a different course that would grant me a better post-pandemic career. I was devastated. I keep having random flashes of regret and anger. Why couldn't I have done better to get into the college I wanted? Why did I have to change course when what I wanted would still get me a job? Why did the pandemic need to even fucking happen? Why? Why? Why? Why?

Eventually this way of thinking finally wore me out. I spent hours and hours of my life now stopping any tears so that I could finish the projects and tasks that I don't even want to do anymore. I do know I'm good at it, I'm confident I am. My grades are a testament to that. But I'm tired. It doesn't help that my abusive aunt is still just as abusive as she was, or probably even worse. I'm really really tired. Sometimes TV shows or movies or reading books and fanfics don't cut it anymore. It's like going down a spiral slide and not seeing the end. It's scary. I'm afraid. Maybe hoping for the best and doing it is the only thing I could really do for now.


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