5.7.22

i had one of the worse anxiety attacks ever today. i have such a hard time finding the difference between what i think is going on and what is really going on because i am so used to being told whats going on. i hear the same thing "ava cant have hard conversations" every fucking day. and finally i had it. i said yes! youre right! when every other conversation i have with my parents is a conversation where they are telling me that im living my life the wrong way and i need to go to college and im not going anywhere, its fucking emotionally draining. im trying the best i can and ive improved since ive moved back in with them and still, 6 months later, a legit job in a legit industry, but because i smoke weed and dont put my dishes in the dishwasher sometimes, i need to get my shit together. they tell me they wanna help me, i tell them i want them to help me, they tell me i wont let them. and i wont. their help consists of telling me i should do the same things over and over again and i cant listen to them tell me i need to take a class at the community college anymore. i dont need any social interaction, and i am fine where i am at. i just hate this environment. they make me feel crazy, and i cant explain it, so when they ask how and i cant explain, they literally laugh at me. i really want to kill myself tonight. i dont have a reason to live right now. i wish i had the guts to break up with my boyfriend because long distance is killing me and i need to move on. i wished my parents had enough respect for me to realize its my life and if im 19 and already a collector and a teller at a credit union with accounting experience, thats good! yes, i can always do better, but thats true for anything. and i dont want to do better. i dont have it in me. i dont want to wake up tomorrow.