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I hated my last school. Keyword, "hated", because I don't anymore. A year too late that is. During my first year at that school, it was like getting pushed into the darkness and struggling to find the light switch. I looked down on people from that school even though I hadn't meant too. I was so attached to the idea that I resented that place that it infested how I saw the genuinely good friends that I made while I was there. In my second year, my mind was clearer. I still wanted out but everything was easier.
And then the "wanting out" finally came true. And now I want to go back.
It's like a cruel joke by my mind. To hate something so vehemently only to want it back once it's too late and I'm faced with something much more horrible that I hadn't anticipated because of how much I hated the former. It's torture. It's taking a toll on me mentally and physically. Everything I've dreamt and wished for wrenched out of my hands by no one other than myself because I was too clouded by fear and insecurity that I didn't see that what I wanted was already in them. I hadn't noticed my knuckles turning white as bone as I gripped those wishes until they were taken away and I'm left with a raw numbness in my palms. I have only myself to blame for this. So, it is only myself that will have the capacity to fix it. Or mend it at best.
I've convinced myself that all of this will be worth it. It's a long shot but a shot nontheless. I should be thankful to have been given it regardless. Which I am, of course. But what I had in that previous school will never come back or at least be the same as it was. I'm sorry to all of you who I hated and wanted nothing more than to disappear from my life. Now, I understand that I kept myself so distant because I couldn't accept that finding the light switch wasn't what would bring light into that dark part of my life, but the people who guided me through that darkness.
I'm sorry and I miss you. I hope you are doing well, all of you. Until the next time we meet.
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