"The writers void" by me

“The writers void” 

An “autobiography” essay by Victoria Anahi

Over the years I’ve experienced I have always felt a void inside of myself and it might seem strange for someone at such a young age. Even though I’ve had loving parents throughout my short childhood and good people I could always count on, I never really felt good enough for them or like I had my own life. I wasn’t living…I felt like I just existed or at least that was until I found out the abundant amount of power one has in their words.

Something I had to learn over the years is that being nice and caring is nothing for most of the people in these years and that we can’t always expect anything in return and even though I keep on losing hope in this cruel and empty society we live in I know that one day my words will be too big for the simply and complex humanity to understand while for those with that same and empty void it will be so much more than words but comfort and inspiration. I hope that they’ll know that the void could easily become smaller yet will always be with them and will keep on filling up once they have found that reason on why to keep on going. That could be anything or anyone that makes them feel good enough for something, someone that makes you feel like you are worthy of something, someone that makes everything seem warm and happy and understands you just like one would.

Emily Dickinson once said “I’m out with lanterns looking for myself” and my whole life I have been labeled in so many different kinds of ways kind, smart, crazy, & loving could be an example but I quite never really took them as a way to describe myself. I've never really gotten to know myself , or at least until recently that  I discovered that those labels don’t really matter. I'm the only one that can completely define myself and that would simply just be someone who is really trying to make a difference in a discreet manner while finding my purpose. In the future I surely hope I don’t have to ever make my void bigger and if I do I hope to find a way to fill it and continue to search for myself.

In a way I’ve always seen my parents & teachers as heroes trying hard to make me find what I'm good at. They know that it can be a hard journey to the future but they’ll also assure your safety. You will know that they have given so much time for  you and remember all the things you have learned from them as you continue your life. I’ve had people tell me I’m really selfish and in truth I can be, but there has always been that curiosity of experiencing other people's point of view that makes me so intrigued.  “Is it only my actions that makes them think I’m bad?” I have asked myself this question so many times and there is really no answer and that will probably continue to be like that. After all one can only know what's in their mind unless  the other person's thoughts are shared.

At the moment I’m still trying to find a path for myself and a truthful purpose in my unfinished life. I believe that one day every kind of pain will go away because of the amount of love I will receive from those close to me yet so far away. I hope that loved ones will really get to know the real me someday but first I would like to find myself and fulfill “my writer's void”