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that song exists as such a bundle of highly compressed emotions to me. putting aside my personal connections the song itself is really powerful to me and i have a tendency to feel things/ kinda vicariously experience things i have never actually felt irl. something about it males me imagine what its like to grow up in that town instead of this town or maybe in that city or even the country (not me outing myself as someone who grew up in the suburbs)(idk why i want to remove myself from the suburbs so much and thats a lie i totally know why but thats a topic for another day) but yea to me that song is my way to imagine a life outside of my own for a bit.
and now my personal connections to the song come along and make it more complicated. i always loved listening to it on my way home from work at the pool at night when i was 16 and i would reflect on how much everything hurt and confused depressed little me. then at 17 it changed a bit when i started getting even worse and now this song has a ton of my negative emotions attached to it. but i still loved the song and i would have my at the time partner slow dance with me to that song and every time that happened i would come close to crying because it seemed like such a sad song but beautiful enough to share a moment of vulnerability with someone even if i never said that out loud.
after the starting to get better from depression era/ breakup i was a little worried that id associated the song a little too much with them to enjoy it anymore but that wasnt what happened and ive continued loving the song.
i just moved out of the place i was at for the last 4 months and the song i thought to listen to while saying my goodbyes to that place was essex street and i kinda cried for a while but not because of any kinda not wanting to leave type sad it was more like fast and furious scene kinda saying goodbye because things end and you cant hold onto everything
so now the song has my entire story since 16 years old etched into it every time i listen to it and the emotions vary so much depending on what i start thinking about but i think to me the song is full of the “thanks for being here with me even though we cant keep going anymore” type vibe. another thing im thinking of is i sometimes give myself these little moments of holding myself back from trying to make something last (for example i love walking up to strangers and making new friends but sometimes i see someone i think would be a great person to meet and i just think to myself nah ill let them be the one that got away)
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