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I haven't had a crush in several years now, since my best friend if I remember correctly. I already told him about a year ago and was a bit flattered by the fact that he was oblivious to me liking him for a long time. But since then, I haven't had a real genuine liking to any guy I've met. Sure, I have celebrity crushes like Kit Connor and whatnot but people that I actually know personally? No, not in years.
Watching Heartstopper brought back so many memories it was kind of scary. That stupid feeling to smile uncontrollably when your crush is around, when he talks to you, when he's looking at you. That feeling like your stomach and chest are about to erupt in butterflies whenever you interact with them. So much memories, all in a few hours of watching the show. I miss those feelings.
It honestly bummed me a bit when it occured to me that I probably won't have a crush until I graduate because I'm in an all-girls college. I'm genuinely sad about this fact. I try to compensate by maintaining above average grades to distract myself from the fact that I can't do or feel anything romantic and also because....well, I can (achieve above average grades. I'm not going to waste this brain of mine for anything in the world). The only fluttering I feel now and probably for the next few years if I don't transfer is when I look at my report card and see high numbers. It feels great though, I'm not going to lie, but I really want to feel something for another guy again.
It's been so long. I really hope I could transfer just so I could feel that way again. The grades can be handled alone, but crushes really can't now can they?
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