vent

My boyfriend finally told me after a week of acting weird he had flirted with another girl behind my back, I don’t even know how to feel.He said it was mostly because it was good to talk to another person, but I feel like i’m not good enough to keep him happy. He said he fucked up his last relationship because “i’m always fucking around and I ruin everything” but I thin it could be a way for him to cope with something tramitc. I just don’t know what to think anymore. I feel like life would be so much easier if I could just be given simple commands to follow that aren’t too difficult, I can’t do anything good for myself so I might as well have someone tell me what to do. But once I find the person that’s willing to give me my orders and I truly love and appreciate them they always take this form of trust and use it in a horrible way of abuse, and I thought Anthony would be different. I believe he’s different because he actually thinks about how I would react and puts my emotions into thought before he does stuff, but I feel like I might be too much for him to handle in a way.

 I just want someone to love me as I am not for how I present myself but for me, deep down hidden in the dark corners of my mind hidden away under everything the small,innocent,and frail little child that just wants to be loved. He doesn't know how sick I am and that i’m just slowly rotting away trying to find someone to love me. I just want someone to love me even tho im a horrible child that was always the last person to look after all because I just wanted to be just like everyone but no one ever saw those late nights at 2 in the morning waiting for everyone to be asleep to cry at night and hug those small stuffed animals and call them my family and call them dad and mom because they were never there.I just want someone to take care of me.i just want a family i just want a happy family that i never got to have but every adult in my life were so stupid and would never take care of me and when all those disgusting old men would find me and do those disgusting things i would always think that was what love was. 

No one would ever care for the child that looked so happy because if I didn't it would make people upset that they had to figure out why i was so upset. I was just a source of learning material for everyone in my life and when all the new kids came along they got all the care and love in the world and when i cry and scream for my brother who i never got to see or for my grandma no one would care for me they would just yell at me to shut up and leave them alone but when all the new babies would do it was seen as cute that wanted their family but when i needed love the most no one ever helped me

I just such a burden to everyone around me the only way i would ever feel safe or happy was by taking fictional characters that I would think be a good family and spend hours staring at a wall just thinking that they would take of me and take there time to find out why i was sad and how they would comfort me when I would come home from crying.

I hate how I am just a simple hug that feels comforting. I would start crying and people would call me weird for it, or someone trying to be nice and asking if I'm okay would just make me burst into tears and I just wanna throw those tears away. They feel like a burden to me.

I know no one is ever gonna ever want the broken child that is nothing more than a cry baby.