confessions of a dumb, lonely and guilty uni student 1

i always find that traditional nights out or 'motives' tend to bring out the worst in me. not in some super inappropriate or aggressive way. but more of a personal way. 

as a rational person, i know it is not the single purpose of my night out to get with a man or woman - but it does feel that way some times. 

tonight i wasn't really planning on going out at all. i woke up early and hungover, and couldn't really be arsed to partake in the expensive pastime i have. nevertheless, i found myself drinking again. instead of some far out club over nineteen tube stops away, it was a boring flat party tonight. some weird first year was djing, to give him his due he wasn't actually too bad, but point is a point and it was still shit. 

FOTO (code name) was super weird tonight. a short background on foto, he is a friend of mine who a week back was severely drunk, and not wanting to be by himself, i let him stay at mine. big mistake. i nipped it in the bud before he could try and shag, but i fear the damage has been done. i guess this is just another example of a man holding a grudge over not being given what they want - what they somehow believe they deserve. i'm quite baffled as to how being a nice person and a caring individual has led to being completely ignored? 

regardless, i was pursued in some form tonight. 

not necessarily from a wanted party. scoot (code name) seems nice enough, but over the year plus that i've been aware of his existence, we've barely exchanged two words. in what weird world does telling a boy he has a nice bathroom - for a man - constitute sex? 

but, annoyingly enough, it felt good. i've been feeling like the second option, the last resort and the embarrassing choice for a long while. it's only increases at uni. despite the weird rush of male validation, i had to remind myself that his approach was downright creepy. like cornered in the bathroom creepy. 

but 

part of me wishes i had played along to an extent. no matter how much i may have regretted it in the morning, the short lived rush of male validation may have been worth it. at least i would've felt wanted in some capacity. that capacity surely is purely sexual in this case, which makes me feel one of two ways. 

i guess i feel kind of relieved that someone would feel sexual attraction towards me. 

but it also reinforces that people (men) don't see me as anyone more than a second-rate sex object. 

i don't know.

i feel like male validation has rotted my brain. please tell me this doesn't make me a femcel.