Mornings

Mornings.
i open my swollen eyes from the tears of the night before
the sun gleams with a spark of hope
i reach for my phone forgetting what happened that night
and every time i see the silence i remember
that silence that burns through my core
that silence that's louder than any noise i've heard before 
i think to myself
shake it off the world hasn't ended
you have so much more left to give
but that ear piercing silence 
that i cant seem to shake
i prepare myself for my 9-5 job
everyone seems so robotic
soulless
bored
like sheep in a heard 
unable to create their own thoughts
sometimes i sit and wonder 
are they self aware
is anyone authentic
or are we all truly programmed to be the same
but as always time goes on
the days are the same
i want to shake the pattern 
but i was never sure how 
it looks so easy for everyone else
why is it so hard for me?
thats a question i ask myself often
why.
are the events of life truly all set in stone for us
does everything really happen for a reason?
if so why do good people feel the most pain
why do they never get their happy ending
the game of life 
its a tricky one
does every little choice we make really determine the final outcome
does life suck because i didn't tie my shoe right that one time
or i didn't say the right thing to the right person
do these consequences really matter in the end?
if so why, 
people always tell me the world is what you make of it
but then why don't i have the world i want
i do everything right? don't i 
do my actions really matter
does it all really add up into a total of good and bad
doesn't everyone do good and bad things
who tallies us and is it really a fair system
i could fill myself with these questions until i burst 
but in the end they all add up to "does it really matter?"
but who are we to answer that question
so i sit and ponder in that deafening silence
and it for a second it's still.