gender euphoria (my first experience with binding)

they meant freedom to be ourselves. 

i kind of wish that i had been clued in to how, exactly, to put it on, because it took half an hour, three attempts, and my mother's assistance to get it on. it was a gc2b razorback, and my solution was found in stretching both of my arms up through the holes and slipping it down until it fit. so, getting it on was definitely the hardest part, but once i did, holy shit i was overjoyed. i kept running my hand up and down my chest and i couldn't believe it could BE THAT FLAT. 

fast forward to today, where i wore it to school. i had an easier time getting it on now that i knew what i was actually supposed to do. there were a couple of points throughout the day where breathing was kind of a struggle, but at this point i'm willing to bet that my lungs are pretty strong (thanks marching band, singing, and having no smoking experience), so i was alright. 

i often say that being trans is one of the best and worst things one can experience. i have it incredibly good, my parents are at least supportive of my identity and that has given me the confidence to tell other people and to get this binder that i am fortunate enough to afford. but despite that, not knowing where you fit into the absolute fucking mess that is gender can crush your soul. every day i go to sleep and i hope when i wake up i'll have magically transformed into the boy i was meant to be (holy shit typing that feels great). there are days where presenting masculine takes up soooo much of my mental capacity and it feels like i'm trying to achieve an impossible standard in order to make people see me for me. it sucks. 

but being trans is also the best. i'm not sure if cis people will ever experience the kind of pure joy i felt last night when i saw myself with a flat chest, or when i look into the mirror and somehow see what i was always meant to look like. passing is bullshit, i'm not interested in it. but i am interested in being myself, and this magical thing has made me feel a lot better about what that self was meant to look like. 

with a flat chest and a full heart,

Strawberry Cyanide🍓🎸