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I woke up today and was like "Omg i should totally create a blog" and I think thats honestly a really cool idea. I've always wanted a blog, the idea that maybe somebody would accidentally find it and even read what I had to say felt preferable compared to the intentional anonymity and secretive nature of diaries or journals or whatever. I like that i don't have to use entirely correct grammar rules to be understood like is typical in verbal exchange, and honestly writing comes way easier to me than formulating an entire sentence and running it through dozens of filters in my head before I say it. I don't know what I'll write in these blog entries and stuff, maybe this will the be only time I ever post. I might forget about this whole thing and never come back, but honestly It's still cool to me either way.
My house is getting remodeled, and my mom told me today that they were finishing the tile in my bathroom. I'm getting a light blue tile on the shower, floor, and half-way up the walls of the entire room. It was supposed to be reminiscent of the bathroom from the 60s (I think), at a house where I lived until I was like 11, but I'm not sure it looks like it very much. Regardless of similarity, I think it looks really cool. This project has been going on for a while, maybe 9 months? It's surprising how much the workers were able to accomplish, I don't think I could ever work in construction.
My dad used to work in construction for a few years on and off before he met my mom, but other than a few cool places where he worked it apparently wasn't super memorable. He's been to way more places than I have, but I think thats common. I don't remember the source, but I think I remember reading that something like only 40% of Americans have ever left the country? I could be entirely wrong though, I really don't remember anything concrete. I wish I had a better memory, I've been on vyvanse for like 6 months but I dont think it's helped my memory at all. Maybe I can find words I'm looking for more? Thats really the only memory related difference I can recognize.
It's pretty quiet in my house right now, my mom and I put our dogs in the study so we could eat lunch/dinner/whatever earlier and they kept whining and barking. I honestly don't mind my dogs' incessant barking, I have three, and I've never not had a dog. I just did the math while writing this, and yeah I've always had at least 1 dog (but usually 2+).
I was checking my notes earlier because I was making a grocery list for my mom, and I found some old poetry. Not really old, but like 4 ish months old I think. I don't really have an emotional component when I write, or at least not one I'm conscious of, so basically I just write things I think sound cool or meaningful. I used to think that it was sort of deceptive or unoriginal to write all of these things that sounded emotional but were actually just words I thought sounded nice together, but then I realized that there was no way for me to organically write these things without them being *from me*. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but it felt really good to not think I was inadvertently manipulating someone anymore.
I think that phenomenon is mirrored in my traditional art too, like I've never made art representative of my emotional state or something; it's always just stuff i think looks cool. It makes sense that I felt like I had to have a deeply sentimental factor though, I used to be in this art program and every time I made something I would always be questioned on the integral "emotional backstory" or asked what it "meant", when in reality I just thought it looked cool. Eventually I got to the point where I would intentionally make things "weird" so I would be able to translate into some hot-button issue, or something which was a common theme throughout my life.
Maybe I'm being too analytical though, maybe this isn't even a thing at all. It is entirely possible that every single other person who has ever made a piece of art in any capacity has this same experience but I'm unable to communicate it in a way that gets through enough to empathize with. I made this little torso sculpture like 6 months ago or whatever and I showed it to my therapist, and she asked why it didn't have any full limbs. I didn't lie though, I told her the truth, which was that I didn't feel like it. I could have bullshitted a reason and said it was supposed to represent helplessness or something, but I had no reason to lie to her so I didnt.
Maybe I'm being too analytical though, maybe this isn't even a thing at all. It is entirely possible that every single other person who has ever made a piece of art in any capacity has this same experience but I'm unable to communicate it in a way that gets through enough to empathize with. I made this little torso sculpture like 6 months ago or whatever and I showed it to my therapist, and she asked why it didn't have any full limbs. I didn't lie though, I told her the truth, which was that I didn't feel like it. I could have bullshitted a reason and said it was supposed to represent helplessness or something, but I had no reason to lie to her so I didnt.
There is no greater moral purpose to this story, which is something I admire about this "blogging" stuff. When you talk to people in real life, there is almost always a purpose to what you say-- a relevance to the topic at hand, some beneficial information, etc. Here though, i enjoy just talking aimlessly to the abyss. No response, no other person to guide the conversation, just my thoughts entirely on their own. Even when you text another person, there is always the guiding force of the other person's input and influence on the conversation, because that's what it is; a conversation. This is more like a monologue, which I like. I don't dislike dialogue with another person, but I enjoy seeing the ingenuity of my thoughts and words on their own.
Anyways, that's all I have to say for right now. Maybe I'll post some poetry or art later on, I'm not sure.
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