a cigarette assisted murder 2019

 the first time i ever did drugs i was 15 years old in a hotel room with my college aged boyfriend (you havent experienced teenagehood as a woman unless youre groomed by some total shitbag) 

he was also present the first time i ever got drunk, i drank my body weight in vodka mixed drinks, sobbed on the floor about him cheating on me and  threw up all over his living room (lol) and his mom had to clean it up.

ive experimented with a fair array of mind altering substances, especially in highschool, as one does. never did any hard shit and usually never got addicted to anything. 

but one of the most visceral intoxicated memories ive ever had was when i attended some girl from my schools birthday  as ryans plus one a couple years ago. 

you can tell these kids fucking loved the film project x and tried everything in their power to recreate a messy underaged house banger. it was alright, nothing too crazy. rented out this mansion airbnb- theres a jacuzzi, poolside, girls in string bikinis, drunk guys eating every girl with their eyes. cheesy american teen party scene right? 

anyways none of that mattered because i ended up getting so drunk i felt super fucking depressed,  ditched everyone to sit on the balcony nauseated out of my mind. ryans been smoking cigs since we met basically, and i dont think hes ever gone without a pack of whatevers cheapest. he would always tell me 'a cigarette is a drunk girls best friend', and up until that point the closest i got to smoking cigarettes was hanging out with my mom, but when she did it.. it was never glamourous & sexy like it is in the movies. whenever she did it it felt sad, it smelled like self destruction & a lack of control. 

but i was freshly 17- a blossomed woman and melodramatic as ever ( i always will be, unfortunately..) and there right in front of my underaged drunken eyes was an unattended pack of Marlboro reds. so i slipped one out and lit it.

it wouldnt have been the first time ive smoked something, ive smoked pounds of weed & random psychotropic herbs, but i had never smoked a cigarette. 

it tasted like pure shit, every aspect (besides how cool and artsy i looked) of smoking were disgusting. and i still stand by that. it tasted exactly how it smelt, irrevocably foul, burnt, pathetic. not even a near blackout drunk could mask the taste. 

but i finished it all the way to the end, there, on the balcony. it was around 11:48 pm, i could hear the crowd ambiance, i could hear the shitty banging music, i was half naked and it was getting cold. i didnt feel like talking anymore, i didnt feel like forcing a personality i knew the people there would prefer i had, omg society right?

the intensity of my presence at the moment was unbearable almost. i could feel every part of the inside of my body, i could feel what people were thinking of me, i could feel none of my jokes landing, i could feel every ounce of alcohol in my body, i could feel myself, my facial expressions, every nerve in my system, my muscles controlling my movements, my brain synapses firing slower than usual, i could feel all 17 years of existence in one moment. 

it felt like my body had be turned inside out, and instead of an extended view of the outside world- i was forced to look at myself from the inside. 

anyways, after that night i came home a different girl. i was wearing the same clothes i had left the house in, i even managed to get home with both shoes on my feet, i had all my belongings, everything that belonged to me but i just felt different. 

a couple years have passed and i still think about that night and how, in a sense, i killed myself on the balcony. i pushed her right off those three stories, watched her body slam into the concrete below, i watched her head split open and bleed out. all her innocence and purity stained with dust and brain matter. i watched her body twitch for a few minutes, then go limp. i killed her  and wake up every morning wearing her skin.