realizing i am a bad person

I’ve always jokingly wanted to be an edgy bad person but the realization that some of my actions and ideas are unhealthy or toxic really did hit me hard. for example I’ve always had a favourite person who i will obsess with and do pretty much anything to get them to like me but it never works out and so i talk about wanting friends who want to hangout with me. and now i have friends that want to hangout with me but they aren’t the people i pictured myself being friends with and i feel embarrassed being around them because that’s not how i want to be identified. but it’s not like i have anyone else. why can’t i just be grateful for what i have and move on  i always want more. like now my favourite person is in a relationship so they’re constantly hanging out and the thought of trying to split them up even crossed my mind out of jealousy. what the fuck