What do I want, for who I am?

"What are you scared of?" My dad asks. Maybe it's from all the fear of everything I've previously stated in my blog, but I didn't think I wallowed in that so much for it to ingrane itself in my head.

College, is what's scary. For me, at least. I think what I'm the most scared of is not finding my kind of or my group of people. I guess I must have an over-idealistic version of what "my group of people" would be, because now that I've joined the discord server for the incoming students of the college I'm most looking forward to, I've started to waiver. It seems like any other group of discord people, and part of me almost doesn't want that.

I think it's the high expectations I've had for the college of my choice all year that didn't really meet expectation. But to be fair, I set it at a very high bar, I do not blame the people in the discord lmao. Why did I set it at such a high bar? Well, I have to have something to look forward to after this last, subpar year of high school, don't I? I guess that kind of expectation built and built all year too, until now.

Making decisions like choosing a college is scary. I do as much research as I can, but at a certain point, I have to walk across the bridge (a decision) I think is the safest bridge (all of the other decisions), even if I can't see all of it. It's a shot in the dark, and after you've missed so many shots in the past, it becomes scarier to make another, more important one, because you're fearful you might miss it too.

And you know, it really fucking sucks. Because now my two moods are "Suck it up it'll be ok" and then when it isn't it's "Be sad everything isn't ideal". The waves emotion are too big and they happen too frequently, and I all know why it happens, too, but I can't find a way out of it.

Because nothing is as fun or as interesting as talking to another human. Because you know what another human has that nothing else does? Potential. Potential to be a friend, someone you can work with to complete a goal, even a lover. Humans are so complex and dynamic, all this time, I've been looking for someone who also realizes this too. In fact, humans are so full of opportunity and spontaneous that it almost makes me want to mock it. Mock it as in, make a program that simulates talking to someone online each day, not those 3D models of anime characters that do a scripted voice line when the users tells them something. Maybe I'm a psychopath. Actually, that brings me onto my next point.

Ever since my former girlfriend brought it up, I've been thinking about it on and off when certain things happen. The way I think certainly isn't "normal", and I do try to put some stuff to logic when difficulties with friends or others arise. Part of me thinks I might almost have ADHD. I've never gotten tested for it, my parents don't think I show the qualities, and for the most part, I don't. They're not against it or anything either, my sister has gotten tested for similar mental syndromes, and now she takes medicine for them. I'll ask them before the end of the school year about getting tested for it, I think that's for the best, just to make sure.

I think that just about wraps it up for how I've been doing. I haven't written any poems or short stories since last post, either.

Thanks for reading :)))

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