I remember the day I left my home like it was a dream, a strong feeling of depersonalization came over me for the first time in my adult life. It was early, the type of early morning a summer should be, warm with the sun rays barely kissing the top of my head. I didn’t know this was the last time i was going to see my family together, there wasn’t an idea in my mind of when I would be back or if I ever will, that part still messes with my head today.
If there was anything I’d change about the morning I left, it would be what everyone was upset about me for, not saying goodbye and letting them wake up realizing I may be gone forever. My family of course, lectured me that a move this big is a huge responsibility and shift in my life that I’ve never even seen first hand. The amount of risks they went over with me was so shocking I couldn’t believe they would say such negative things, I was so sensitive to the fact that this may not work out how it was planned, because all I wanted was nothing but the best.
My mother did all she could to make me think about what I was going to do, shed even wanted me to get help through counseling or even obtain a full time job to get me to open up about my strengths and abilities but I stayed persistent on what I was trying to do. I can remember her face as I close my eyes right now, her hazel/green eyes that would only get glossy when she was truly hurt, I can tell now that she was fighting back tears.
The regrets I have to this day are surfacing faster the more I wish I could take back my decision I made when I was just 19 years old, not even knowing what it would take to be the women he wanted. My mother deserved a kiss on her forehead and a deep warm hug in her arms just like I always remembered, she deserved letters from me every month about new things I’ve seen and experienced, the least I could’ve done was get into academics that best suited me to help me grow as a women.
Each of my siblings, younger and older, deserved to be sat down with and talked about what they loved the most til the sun would rise and we started to faintly hear our small town wake up along with the perfect chirps of birds I wouldn’t hear for a very long time, and end it with a walk to the river where we would spend all day laughing, yelling and flailing in the sparking clear water, leaving us all slightly sunburnt and dehydrated but it always felt like the best thing in the world.
Our father in-law at that time was also doing very good, a point in his life that he hasn’t been able to reach for a very long time, he should’ve been notified that this was the most love his children might’ve felt for a very long time, maybe even for the first time ever, he wasn’t perfect of course but my mom loved him, so then did our family, and I’ll still hold a sliver of respect for any man she’s built from the ground up.
The things I wish I could’ve enjoyed a little longer was the home we were all under, my sister and her baby boy perfectly safe in a large house next door, the hard work we all put in together in both homes, even though we weren’t all there it was perfect, despite my sisters husband fatally passing away just a few weeks prior, we were all doing just perfect at that point in time, almost as if it was the best our family has ever been ever.
The smell of breakfast our mom would prepare for us using the old pans the house provided for us, the old stove that we had fixed back up, and even the strange smelling water coming from the sink that didn’t bother us one bit, almost all of these things combined were what I could of always had wished for and it was right in front of me, slipping through my fingertips and I had no idea.
My favorite part was my sisters house and it’s potential, I deep cleaned it as best as I could and I would always make sure it felt like home to her since she needed someone close, I didn’t know what my mom was having me do until years later I realized that I was her shoulder in her time of grief, a beating heart to be by her side when she needed one the most, someone to take care of her for just the time being, and I could tell it was good for her and I would never take any of it back, not even the things I haven’t room to write about, it was all so beautiful.
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