holidays and family gatherings

Tomorrow is Easter right, and today we had like an early Easter gathering with my dad and his girlfriend and her family and when I tell you it was a disaster. It started off really awkward and my brother, Ciaran was in a foul mood and would only talk to me and that caused more tension. There is also four of Sandie's kids and only two of us and the eldest has a boyfriend so we were vastly outnumbered. Now down to the drama, Sandie and her kids are allergic to cats so my dad got out antihistamines in preparation because we have cats. Well... turns out they weren't antihistamines, they were my dads antidepressants from 2018 and three of them took some. What was worse was that everyone made a massive deal out of an accident and wouldn't shut up even though one of Sandie's nurse friends said everyone would be completely fine and they would do nothing. My dad felt really bad the rest of the night and wouldn't speak or eat and Sandie said she would go home instead of staying the night which upset him. This pissed Ciaran off because he really doesn't like Sandie or her family (I'll explain why later) and he hates seeing dad upset. It all kind of resolved though and Sandie is staying the night and is here right now and Ciaran went out. It was still the most awkward night I have had the misfortune of being a part of in recent history so... 0/10 don't recommend. 

Quick side note: I think the reason Ciaran doesn't like Sandie and her family is because their so different to us. They are very material and like to spend a lot of money on stuff, the youngest daughter is one of the popular kids at her school and Ciaran thinks of all of them as controlling and snobby (I don't think he's necessarily wrong). They are also sort of conservative but not completely but sometimes they say things that make me want to slap them and Sandie makes my dad sorta up tight.

Now let's talk about family gatherings and holidays in general, it doesn't matter if their your family or not it will forever be awkward and forever make me cry. I believe it's almost impossible for me to not cry on a holiday, and don't even get me started on birthdays because I don't remember the last birthday I didn't cry. Birthdays are horrible things and getting older sucks and it all sucks apart from the excuse to hang out with your friends and presents. And Christmas is my favorite holiday but even that feels so indescribably empty and lacking of joy, everything that should make me happy just doesn't do it anymore and I find escapism in my friends or blogging. I know it sounds stupid but just putting all my thoughts down helps me organize them a little bit better but I'm not sure publishing it is the smartest idea but oh well. 

I think in summary I hate family gatherings and holidays so much is because they remind me of how unhappy I am as a human being and I hate that.

I think the other reason I like blogging so much is that I can put my feelings out their and people can choose to acknowledge them or not. I feel like I talk too much about myself and I say things then think, if someone said that to me I would probably breakdown. I'm trying to work on knowing when to shut up. And I'm sorry if I talk too much about me because I don't want to me a drama queen or cause other people's issues. Ha at least I'm self aware, that's a good quality of mine.

AMy xoxo