away time for thinking

so without further adieu, lets get started!!

oook so yesterday i went out and met my friends at our local primary school. at first it was me, isaac, connor and ryan. we were chilling, they were up on these shade sail things (search it up if you dont know what they are) and we had some devil grass but none of us smoked any yetttt. so i waited around for my bestfriend amy and she came and we eventually went up on top of the shade sails and we were hanging out up thereeee. ryan was like lying there and i was lying next to him and his arm was like around my neck (ish - not enough to strangle me ykyk) and yes i believe the definition of that position is cuddling but i HATE that word with a PASSION (kinda like how people hate the word moist) and we chilled like that, fucked around being stupid. i knew that like people who platonically like eachother dont usually go around cuddling (ick) their friends but idk i just thought it was chill and i like physical touch yk, im kindof a physical person so it didnt bother me. anywayyy my friend george arrived and we went to this tower thing to smoke a joint but the rolling papers were bad so we only got like 1 and i only took 1 hit and all in all it didnt work so yeah. ryan was being quite physical but he was kinda like that to amy so i brushed it off like i didnt really care (like i said, i like physical touch) and we sat a bit more and he kinda sat between my legs (it sounds sexual - believe me its NOT.) and then i was cold and my friend was wearing my jumper so i stole one of his t-shirts and was wearing it. we hungout a bit more and we went to this park and were sitting on this kindof net-swing (its hard to explain) and we wanted to all pile on and i ended up kinda lying right on top of him with my head like on his chest (hes like a head and a half taller then me) and everyone was like teasing us. we then were lying on the swing (jsut me and ryan) and i was next to him and i was like using his arm as a pillow, and i could of SWORN he kissed my head idk i like heard a noise its hard to explain but i could SWEAER it (this is not even something my bestfriend knows so shes going to be annoyed when she reads this LMAO sorry amyy ily) anyway and then we went back to the local priamry school and he had to go so i gave his shirt back but my friend had my jumper (he ripped a giant hole in his crotch LMAO) and i was complaining so he gAVE me his jUMPER and i was like "but im not gonna see you til tuesdayy" (it was friday) and he was like "then give it back on tuesday" so i wore it, it smelled ridiculously good and now it is sitting in the corner of my room on my bed while im 2 hours away at my nanas (i was SO CLOSE to bringing it idk why) 

so thats the story 

but we ARENT DONE YET LOSERS

(sorry for calling u a loser ur not <3)

idk how i feel about him. he's not attractive either like its not even just me hes just not freaking pretty like even my 11 y/o brother told me hes not attractive like ??

i dont want to have a boyfriend either like its not something i think i can do rn like i just cant deal with that much emotional strain on me rn i'd probably just break plus im not in the right headspace to be a good girlfriend either so yeah. 

its only when im like around him that i feel like attracted to him idk i dont like him currently right now as im writing this its really only when im around him

also yes ive def been flirting with him as well idk why its like a unconscious choice

sooo idk i'd love some advice if you can give me some idk what to do 

otherwise yes hope anyone who read that found it mildly interesting 

and if not 

well

you read it sooo 

and happy easter to anyone who celebrates <33 have a good day/afternoon/night ily