Habits: Good/Bad/Inconsistent

(Emphasis on Inconsistent. My train of thought rides a rail that puts MC Escher to shame)

Since i've no shame with being a little cheesy, i'm gonna toss a few song lyrics at ya. Maybe talk about why they resonate, or how they tie into the subject. Would be neat to throw a new quote in every entry, but this all comes down to the consistency of the entries, and whether or not I can make it a habit. I haven't been in school for years and don't really remember what an MLA format is so just bare with me. You will get used to the commas. Aite anyways

I listened to Jonwayne's "Rap Album Two" when I was heavy into smoking herb. Tossed in that jumble of 2-5 albums I'd throw on repeat until the songs would play in my head while I was walking downstairs for munchies. The song this is quoted from, "Human Condition" ended up being one of my favorites in that album. Enough to the point where sometimes I'd throw it on after a day of work, taking in that slap of a beat while walking home in the neighborhood I've practically spent my whole life in.

The song, as do a lot of his works, seem more reflective and personal than a lot of the other stuff I listen to. Maybe it depends on what state I'm at when I'm listening to it? It's easy to treat music like a bag of chips. I find nothing wrong with taking a segment from a song that hits harder than the others, isolating it. It's pretty common for folks to like song simply because it sounds nice, has a catchy chorus, good beat, whatever. Many times have I liked a song for its words without even really knowing the creator's intent behind using them. I think this segment is simple enough to understand what he's trying to convey.

The way it resonates with me (whether it's intended or not) is how you start with the brain, compare it to the body, compare it to the world around you and how it's affecting you. Often brought up how our perception of the world is (and should be) the most important perspective to yourself. Not in some type of ignorant pride, but that awareness. Recognizing how your desires can often keep flashing in front of you. It can almost be blinding. You're stunned by these bursts of realization, and in that fleeting moment it almost feels like if you don't do something about it, you'll never have that spark again. At least not for a long time.

That's how it works for me. Sudden bursts of inspiration, trying to grasp at the dim lights sparkling faintly in front of me. You recognize the potential for change and you keep making the wrong decision, you don't always spiral out, but sometimes you notice how you're slipping a bit. Isn't that one of the worst pains? That dull ache oftens come around as a reminder. You're not doing what you're supposed to. You're indulging too much. You aren't forming Healthy Habits

It's not up for debate, it is much easier to form an unhealthy habit than a healthy one. The thing is, don't take me for some kind of doomer. I've had that 15-19 year old range where I thought I was smart for recognizing that I was sad, and fed into it with half-baked philosophies and insights in an attempt to seem wise and world-weary. I've pushed through those patterns as much as I could, and when I am critical of myself I often think I come off more troubled than I actually am. I haven't hated myself for a pretty long time now. 

"I'm not mad, i'm just disappointed." 

Pretty wild to say something like that to yourself, right? A step above "I hate myself" though. That's what makes it important to me. Just for fun, don't take it as gospel: here's the definition of Disappointed. "sad or displeased because someone or something has failed to fulfill one's hopes or expectations." It's nice to have expectations for yourself. It's useful to believe that you have the potential to change. Something as simple as the way you talk to yourself can make such a huge difference. Guess what, time to sidewind you! That's the example of CHANGING YOUR HABITS. Crazy, right?

This potential domino effect into betterment. It's beautiful. I've recognized that for me personally, calling things "beautiful" adds Pretty Potent Percentage of Pep. Changing your language is essentially changing your thoughts, right? Thoughts into wishes, wishes into dreams, dreams into goals. Simply taking the time to lay out a hastily scrawled roadmap before you, attempting trying to cling to a small semblance of structure. A beautiful struggle. Shows you're alive. Shows you're thinking.

That first droplet of action can ripple out into a wave of motivation just as easily as it can fall deep into the deep well in the mind, lost in dark waters. Even as I write this I see myself splashing in both bodies of water. As it nears 1 AM I take a mild self-satisfaction in being able to make a neat water allegory. Metaphor? Simile! I don't fucking know! Fluidity plays a lot into my whole philosophy on the self. You weigh yourself down if you believe you're incapable of change. It's near worthless to think like that. That's what I think.

It's easy to feel rigid. Recognizing your issues is NOTHING. Bringing something to your attention and wrapping it up in a nice bow of self-pity to help you cope. Many different ideas on how one should accept or reject aspects of themselves. I often make excuses for my bad habits whether it be through downplaying their negative impact, telling myself that I need it. Stuff like that. Sometimes I do need it. That's why it became a habit, probably! Every cool cat on the block nowadays has a chemical imbalance. Or even a chemical dependency! Sometimes both!

I have a binge eating problem. I have a masturbation addiction. I've been glued to computer chairs and screens since I was 9. My schmeat looks like a stick used in a Fire Plough, (Google it) I find it very easy to think negative things about people I interact with. I don't sit right. I don't walk right. I don't brush my teeth enough. Etc. Etc!

 A 23 year old manchild who has misaligned his body in an attempt to sharpen the mind. Some real "I work out at the library" shit. Why'd I think i'd grow from that?! What a waste that was! 

(It wasn't, though. I respect my brain much more than I used to, I just wish I ran more) Now here's where it gets wacky. I just said all that nasty TMI shit about myself and my bad habits, but don't think i'm in a bad move. Your Boy NormieMcgee still loves himself, and recognizes I got some GOOD habits too.

I love trying to help people, I do my stretches when i've been sitting for a bit too long, I'm never late for work, I haven't lost my desire to grow and see others grow alongside me. In a funny way it was a lot easier for me to type out all the negative things compared to saying a few nice things about my disposition and work ethic, but that kinda shows where i'm at. I guess? Don't know! Still figuring things out. Part of me believes that you'll always be figuring yourself out. Don't let that get you down tho! I think it's essential to impartially self-evaluate

To believe you fully know yourself may bring a comfort, but for me, i'd rather keep it a bit more loose, yeah? I can't have that complete certainty in myself. I don't think it's right. That could just come from my general wishy-washy back and forth thought process but uhh. Whatever. I've often called myself a walking contradiction. I imagine I may have said a few things that cancel out earlier things i've said in this very rant! Ramble? Journal. Essay. Yeah.

I should probably take it easy on the writing for tonight. Kudos to you if you've made it this far. You bored? I'm hitting a few notes? Are we already friends? Doesn't really matter that much. Thanks, bud! If I could try and summarize what I intended the Subject to touch on:

This entry in of itself is an attempt at starting a new Good Habit. I hope that through using this I can map out my desires a bit more to help myself, and if along the way I find a few likeminded people who can offer insight, a pat on the back, etc. That'd be great! I'd like to hold myself accountable more for these bursts of inspiration, and if I can continue to tap into this vein like I did with these 1500+ words, we might get somewhere!

To Try and make this have a bit more of a SIZZLE, we'll end it with a quote. I'm too lazy to look them up and too forgetful to remember any, so i'll just make one myself. If it's plagiarism I have no idea. Sue me. (Don't!) Here's a little something I found from an old txt document titled "Reflections". I believe I put a lot of these in here while I was very high. Last edited in January 28, 2021

Thanks again for sticking through, if you did. I'm new to this site and don't really know anything about how it works so if you wanna like, leave a comment and insult me or praise me or... something. Feel Free! Later days, bud.