i love my partner so much (tw panic/anxiety attack, ed mention & intrusive thoughts but it has a happy ending)

ignore that this is 100% just a diary entry im gay and ive gotta talk about it somewhere

my partner and i have one class together, guitar. in my class immediately before that, my teacher makes us put up our phones, so i told them i loved them and that i'd see them in our next class. me and my partner both have anxiety disorders and ptsd, among other things, so both of us are used to coming to class and one or both of us having to sit in the hallway (the teacher's very nice about letting us sit outside for a while). i was texting them and asking if they were going to come, but they weren't responding, and my texts weren't even coming up as delivered. towards the beginning of class, i wasn't too worried, because i figured they were coming soon and that their phone had just died or something. my guitar class has the first 40ish minutes dedicated to learning new things, and the 40ish minutes after that for practicing. my partner did not show up within the first 40 minutes. at that point, i had texted them repeatedly asking them if they were okay, and i still wasn't even coming up as delivered. for a while i had been having horrble intrusive thoughts about them dying, getting hurt, etc, and i had begun to have an anxiety attack. my guitar teacher let me go sit out in the hallway, and i was crying, hyperventilating, you know panic attack things. my partner came around the corner soon after that and, upon seeing me (i am a Very quiet crier so they didn't know i was in the hallway and upset until they saw me) they dropped their bags and i essentially tackled them. we sat out in the hallway for a minute while i started calming down, and they explained their mom had pulled them out for a surprise dentist appointment (super weird) and took and turned off their phone, so they hadn't seen any of my texts, and they didn't tell me they were leaving because they didn't know. they held my hands while i calmed down and gave me a squishy toy they had in their bag (apparently for me which is incredibly sweet and gay, they know i like fidget toys and fidgeting helps me calm down) and a ring they made out of beads and elastic that says pxss (censored piss) which was very funny. they asked me if i'd eaten because they saw that i didn't stop shaking once i stopped crying and they gave me bits of their granola bar and an oreo to eat until lunch and they called me lovey which was very gay. they walked with me in the lunch line to make sure i got enough food and something to drink. overall it was a pretty good panic attack, all things considered. i think it's very sweet that they know how to calm me down so efficiently and i love them very much.

on a happier but still gay topic, homecoming is coming up! me and my partner are going together, and tomorrow my mom's taking me to the thrift store to get clothes. i'm very excited because not only am i gonna get to be with my partner for like 3 hours, but we're gonna be doing fun stuff and i know the stuff they're wearing is very cute and i get to wear gender affirming clothes (my mom's teaching me how to tie a tie!)

tbh i might start like blogging diary entries because its easier for me to remember