Names, Gender, Dissociation and Identity
I used to always ask people, "what would you think my name was if you didn't know it?" I would always get pretty much the same response of- "Genesis (my birth name) suits you!" or "your name is so cool!"
I agree, Genesis is a kick ass name but I can't help but feel so disconnected from it. Sometimes, i write out my name and it doesn't even look RIGHT. It's confusing to look at, as if it's a genuine stranger or a word in a foreign language. When I say my name, it feels odd coming out of my mouth. I think to myself, "I'm not Genesis, I'm me." as if they are two separate people.
I've had many changes with my gender identity. It used to be a huge road blocker and major source of stress. I thought knowing "exactly" who I am was a necessary thing, as if I wasn't valid if I didn't have a label. I'm now at a point where I don't need to define myself by any ONE word. I'm ME. If other people need to use specific words and terminology to describe who they are and make them comfortable, that's also valid. Though it's important to remember, gender and sexuality are fluid, they fluctuate depending on what they are and no two people will be the same, so it's okay if a label doesn't fit on you. You don't need a label to be valid. you just need to be you.
Dissociation and identity:
I know dissociative episodes and dissociative amnesia have played a huge role in my confusion with identity. This is especially so because at the worst time of my dissociative amnesia, i was being told my a trusted friend that I had DID, (i do not) which i did't take as a diagnosis, but it did scare me- How could I not know whose in control of my body? Do i give them names? Am I genesis or one of them? Now that I'm doing much better with my Dissociation, I can safely say I have one identity and it need not be defined to be valid or real!
Esther is my middle name which i now go by with a few friends and Estie is for short! i don't know if I'll ever find the right name but It doesnt make me any less of a person or any less of myself. :)