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I forget the exact term I called it, but it was something along those lines. Like a person who sees friends and drama go by while they're unaffected by it all, because they themselves are happy, even though their friends aren't as much.
I thought up the outline of a story based off of it - actually - I combined 3 different outlines of stories in order to make this one, and while it would probably be an incredible book once it's written, actually writing it would take a year or so if I really committed to it, just because of how complex it is character-wise and worldbuilding-wise.
But I don't think I'm a bystander anymore. While it might not be from one event, but a bit from each bad event that's happened over the past 8 months, it's degraded me. And I think I need a break from it. I come back to Discord everyday, thinking something different, and exciting will happen, but nothing peaks my interest often enough for the good to outweigh the bad, and the time wasted waiting.
Usually, if an active person takes a break from Discord, it's because of a bad event that happen on Discord, or they're really busy in real life, but I don't think it's either of those for me. I think it's the absence of a good event, the absence of some sort of hope that I'll meet exciting, new people I can talk to and be better friends with. Sometimes I ask myself if I even found the right group of friends or not, but then I tell myself that I'm quite grateful to have the friends I do, and I could have went in a worse direction, and I stop thinking about the whole thing.
I don't know if it's because I'm a senior, but everything feels old, and already tried. I instinctually close off my options just because I assume a friendship with some people I've never known won't go anywhere, and nothing good will come from it. I'm scared to pick my college, too, because my hopes are too high for it, that I'll find a better group of people and have a fresh start with no drama or bad personality traits (that I'm annoyed by) whatsoever, but how unrealistic is that?
I'm not sure if this has anything to do with this post, but I wanted to add that I've noticed something interesting about my past, self-reflective observations I've had. Looking back on them, I find that I was hinting something I didn't even realize then, but I do now. Like I was given some foreshadowing about how I'll feel, and what I'll figure out in the future, but not enough to put the pieces together entirely. Looking back at it, it almost feels like I've headed in the right direction. Or at least, I hope. lol
That's all I got for now, thanks again for reading :)
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