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(I originally posted this as a bulletin on 3/26/22. Unfortunately, I realized it was going to be relevant longer than 10 days, so I immortalized it in this blog post)
(Since posting this, the VA has rejected our application. Their reasons directly contradict the documents that were sent to them. With the help of our former caregiver coordinator, and a friend who has been through this process, we are appealing. A blog post about the appeal process is coming soon.)
If you don't mind, I could use some good energy, spells, prayers, whatever works for you. I've talked a lot about balancing caregiving and working at the school lately. The truth is, real balance isn't possible. It has been dangerous to leave M alone for 8 hours a day, five days a week. I have come home to them having a low, and they have fallen while I was at work. One of these falls even resulted in a shattered mug they could not pick up, due to poor balance. There are days when they are too dizzy to walk to the kitchen and heat up the food I prepped, do other basic things. It could be years before they get back to the place they were before December. As bad as it is, we need the income so I have to go work.
M is a veteran (Navy), so we have applied for me to be their caregiver. We are waiting for an answer now. I really hope we get this, because it would change our lives. They would pay me to do what I am already doing. I would put in my notice, and focus on caring for M full time. I know this would be the right choice. It would be better for their recovery, and my own mental health. It would be safer, and I know we would be happier.
As easy as that choice would be to make, if given the opportunity, the follow through will be excruciating. I have strong, conflicting feelings about it. When I think about caring for M everyday and still having our needs met, I feel intense relief, even joy. When I think of leaving my bs school, I want to dance! It has been hell to work there, and even if I can't officially be M's caregiver, I will not be there next year.
But then I think about leaving some of my coworkers, and all of my students, and I burst into tears. I hate the thought of leaving them. I feel so guilty about the mess that would be left in my coworkers hands. And I worry about how this will impact my students. Who will help the one that is still learning English? Who is going to show the LGBTQ kids they will be okay, even if they don't have supportive parents? How can I abandon them? I'm never going to be a parent, but I have dozens of kids and I just want to help them build pathways to happy and fulfilling lives. They have so much ahead of them, and I want to be there for it! But in my heart, I know I'm in a toxic situation, and I can't stay there forever, not even for them.
I know this is what I need. Doing both is destroying me with stress, and I can't snap my fingers and make M better. M needs me more, and I need less on my plate. I'm keeping our heads above water, but I am exhausted all the time. If this happens, it's going to simultaneously going to break my heart and make me ecstatic. It's tumultuous and complicated. I've had Giles and Tara's song in "Once More With Feeling" randomly playing in my head for weeks.
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