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Category: Life

eight teen

18 years old and i'm still yelled at for staying in the bathroom for too long at night while im doing my daily theraputic nightly skincare and toothcare. None of them need to go to the bathroom, in fact, they're all falling asleep as i walk in. But my mother still wakes up at precisely 8 minute intervals to yell at me for disturbing her sleep, and mumbles on for another 3 about how she can't fall asleep again because its all my fault that I woke her up. As i come out to go to my room, my father demand that I hand my phone over to him as he plays candy crush or watches a movie or whatever late into the night. 18 years old and i still have to hide my phone at night or only feel free to watch or do anything else well into the night when there are no expectations or demands from anyone. when i am finally alone and can cry or scream or talk to myself and be my own therapist and compartmentalise my emotions so i dont carry it with me into the next day for people to notice.18 years old and all I can do is sit back and let my inner child take the reigns as i reply politely and on some occasions even heed my fathers words and place my phone on his dresser. 18 years old and i still shut the door slowly behind me and whisper-scream into the dark walls of my room, holding back tears because, well, my skincare is kinda expensive. 18 years old yet I feel 12 whenever I am around my parents as they speak to me as if i'm still 15.

18 years old and i am told to handle my own time management for my revision at school. no teachers yelling at me for the smallest mistakes, no staff chasing me up in the smallest assignments. 18 years old and i feel a sense of freedom in a place where most feel the most restricted. A place where i am finally treated my age, a place where I can confidently take charge of my own time, no strings attached. no accomodating for the needs of all my family, no monitoring the moods and emotions of each person to shift my own behaviours accordingly. 18 years old and i feel like a fucking teenager and an adult and a child all in the same 24 hours. 

18 years old but i hit my emotional and mental maturity peak at 13-14. 18 years old and i am finally relearning how to be a kid, how to be a teenager. how to hold people accountable, how to handle emotional people and scenes. 18 years old, and I am finally learning how to be 15 again. i feel like i am ageing backwards. 

18 years old, and i dont know who i am anymore. 12 year old me would be ashamed. 12 year old me who thought she had everything figured out and was ready to take on the world. 
I cant wait for 19 year old me, who will be free to be who she wants, like what she likes and sleep whenever she wants. go out with whoever she wants without being worried that she is inconveniencing her parents. 19 year old me will be different, whether that ifsfor the better or for the worse,

only time will tell.

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