legit exhausted

Im over doing everything but I love it so much. I love feeling important and feeling like I'm not a mess up anymore but its genuinely exhausting. I miss doing LSD and riding my skateboard all around town selling nudes to make rent. Now I'm going to college and working full-time to fulfill a goal that I'm not even sure ill want anymore in 10 years. To be a nutritionist. What if I get married in 10 year and end up having kids and quite my job and become a stay at home mom. Then all of this work and exhaustion would have been for nothing. I hate being sober its just constantly one feeling. With an occasional breakdown over literal spilled milk. I want to feel a rush thing. I want to not be worried about tomorrow and know that I have no commitments to anyone besides to meet my dealer in the parking lot in an hour. UGH but I also love being a so called "responsible adult" this all just sucks. I can't even speak my mind anymore because I'm supposed to be professional now and I have to pass background checks so I can't just post whatever on social media anymore... I have to represent the company in a positive way.... UGHHHH its all too much sometimes. Y'all do drugs for me please I miss it.