What's different now that wasn't then?

I wasn't really sure up until yesterday, when I took a difficult person test as the Question of the Day in a discord server, and found I was very low on the greedy scale, only 18% (I'm very easy to get along with). Compared to what I got in August 2021, 40%, I've definitely gotten friendlier.

If I think about the events that have happened from then until now, it starts to piece together. I've placed myself in some major social fights with my friends, standing for what I thought was right, and ultimately, caved in and dropped my argument. I've never liked seemingly pointless arguments liked those, stuff that divides people because of an event that could have been easily avoided, or maybe was bound to happen anyway.

This happens for a few times over the course of 7 months, and you start to humble yourself a bit. You appreciate other people just a little bit more, hear what they have to say, I mean, they have more to talk about than you. You're more scared to open yourself up to people, more lenient, less authoritative. I mean, what if you happen to be wrong? You wouldn't want a situation to turn from happy to hell in a matter of seconds.

And you just want to do some good, you want to help someone as they help you feel yourself...

...you end up helping them, but even that wasn't the right thing to do.

You're not quite sure what to do.

You keep your stuff to yourself, might as well keep it a mystery, everyone likes a mystery. They wouldn't want to be disappointed about what it actually ends up being.

You feel a hole, and all you can really think about is that someone that can fill it. You pine and pine and keep those feelings until you meet that special someone - but you can't do that. You have to speak to someone about it, to make you feel better.

You start having these weird instinctual thoughts of doing sexual or physical stuff, and you're scared, because of course you wouldn't do that, so why would you think about it in the first place? You feel like you've put up all these rules for yourself, and you just want to break free, do something so unlike you so people can't help but notice something is wrong.

You're in limbo. So you start thinking. Nothing bad is happening, everything's back at square one, but you're...

...You're not happy.

And you're not quite sure what to do.

There's no one I wanted to tell this too, so I'll tell the world, and maybe one of my friends will be curious and check this out.

But that's all, and thanks again for reading <3.