Weird life update with many rambles

I used to hate how angry I’ve been; now I’m just accepting that it’s something about me. The sentence doesn’t make sense, huh. Parvus is nearly six months old. He’s not the brightest but he’s definitely happy here. He’s huge too. Nearly the size of a regular cat but is continuing to grow. Been told that I may have to purchase a dog harness if he grows past his suspected size. I care about him but for some reason I still continue to feel nothing. He follows me around the house, guards me on the toilet and tries to get me out from the shower. The distress is visible and audible. 

I’ve been learning to play Runaway Train. The E Minor chord. It’s my favourite. Down down up up down up. It just hits different, satisfying. My teacher said I’m doing good. He follows me on TikTok. I once felt unmotivated to actually prepare for a class and scrolled on TikTok. He was live streaming himself playing My Heart Will Go On. It was kinda funny. I’m getting my second vaccination soon and he wants me to join the master classes. It’s kinda cool. 

I’m kinda obsessed more than usual with Badflower. I don’t know why. There’s a chance to receive a signed CD and all I could think was a creepy question: “is it going to smell like them?”. The frontman I think still smokes, maybe it’ll smell like bacci. Maybe like most he might have a unique smell. I got some photos I’ve saved up that I’ll hopefully be able to print out. I wish I could be their friend. Lately I’ve dreamed about them a lot too. One follows me on Twitter and the frontman has spoken to me more times than I can count on both hands. May as well tell them to put me in the group chat. 

I can’t tell what’s going on with my body anymore. I still can’t seem to find a real appetite. I’ve made homemade meals, some meals I haven’t had in ages to help with nostalgia but I end up eating slowly till I force myself finish it. I’ve stopped lifting weights and it’s becoming so obvious too. My clothes are dropping over my shoulders and my belt needs an extra hole. I’m not underweight and I’m not showing any signs of malnourishment. The blue in my hair is beginning to fade and I’ve stopped blow drying my hair. Someone told me I look like the ideal grunge boyfriend? I said thanks cause those guys look cool anyway. Sad I lost my abs though; they were solid. 

A girl asked if I skateboard. I felt confused and it took me a while to actually reply. She mentioned I look like I should be skateboarding. I told her no but I used to. I ended up thinking over my skateboarding days. My skateboard was a technical load board and had pikachu on the bottom. I can’t remember what the wheels said. I never did tricks. I only learned how to push myself forward and balance then unfortunately I ended up with an extreme flare up that left me bed ridden and eventually needing a wheel chair to move around. I told my friends later on that I was asked the skateboarding question and they said I look like I should own one and that I may skate. Best friend also told me I resemble a skateboarder in my current appearance. 

A lot of the outfits I’ve worn lately do have a grunge appearance to them and I’ve been wearing my vans a little more lately. I got a new jacket that I got in an XL, baggy black sleeves, white n black flannel and a black hood. I’ve worn it a few times and it’s so comfortable. This is making me wanting to get up and reorganise some outfits as I’ll be going out more often soon especially after my vaccination. With everything calming down I should be getting my license (ID, I don’t actually need to learn to drive to get this for some reason? I can just get a license) and sorting out my bank account. Gotta dress and hey maybe someone will think I’m attractive, wanna ask my single butt out! 

I’m going out on Wednesday actually so I might prepare another grunge look for then. Or not. I don’t actually need to try anyway as it’s basically my wardrobe. I’m going to the hairdressers and I know the owner personally so I’m gonna ask some hair related questions and ask about hairdressing. I used to style when I was younger and thought on it but when given a dummy head to practice on I just lost motivation. I guess it was because of the dummy. The plastic hair and ugly face. I’m crap at just about everything else in my life so maybe hairdressing could work; might write some saucy stories on the side for extra cash. At least that way I’m somewhat useful to society. 

I’ve become more motivated to work on moving to my own place. This house is overcrowded and I would like a place to go to that I can call home and feel well safe. I don’t have that here. I could also make my place as waste free as possible! Recycle like mad, no environmental damaging things, grow my own plants and make some of my own stuff from scratch. Go completely vegan. I barely touch dairy and eggs anyway. Make a real home and safe place for myself! 

I’ve only really felt at home lately in these dreams I’ve been having. Even the nightmares are a welcome change to what’s waiting for me when I wake up.