I'm envious of my friend because she's going to prom

 

I've been having a bad day honestly, but more just a bad weekend. 
It's my senior year and spring has started, Graduation is happening soon, parties are happening, and prom will be soon. I won't be able to go to prom because I'm homeless, and an "orphan" (That's what the school calls me, I guess) meaning I don't have enough money to be able to go. I can't afford a dress, I can't afford tickets, I don't know how I'll get there if I go, etc. Honestly, I thought I didn't care, prom doesn't look like it's the thing for me anyways. I'm not into dancing and I'm not dating anyone right now since there isn't any girls at school I'm interested in right now. I remember when I was a little girl I dreamed about going to prom, but that was years ago, and I'm older now and I have different things I get excited or dreamy about. 

I was never able to have things like birthday parties, a Quinceanera, and my abusive biological parents will be showing up to my graduation. I never really got to have my own special day and I don't expect to anytime soon. So I guess that kinda made me want to go to prom, It's something others have that I haven't ever had, and probably never will. I feel sick inside over it. I wish I had saved up money sooner but I assumed I wouldn't care about prom, but now I do because so many of my friends are going. I feel so stupid. 

The girl I'm staying with right now has been nothing but nice to me, including her family. They've provided me with a bed and room to sleep in, a kitchen to eat from, a bathroom to shower in, etc. And I've been here a whole month while they are mourning the loss of a loved one from last year (their 14yo died last year. It's tough) I have to leave soon since they're respectfully kicking me out, because they thought they could provide me shelter but it turns out they just aren't in the emotional position for it right now, and they need alone time. Also she just broke her arm. but those are sorta irrelevant details, just adding to the fact that they've been nice to me and also they're in an emotionally difficult position. 

I keep finding myself getting mad/pouty at my friend because she won't stop talking about prom. I haven't communicated this to her because my negative emotions should not affect her happiness. She has been through so much including her family so she deserves to be allowed to get excited over things like prom. It's not that I DON'T want her to go to prom, or that I think she isn't allowed to talk about it. It's just whenever she does I just get angrier/poutier, more and more. Like when we were carpooling to school yesterday she was expressing how excited she was that she will be able to get her cast off the day before prom, Before she spoke, I said, again that "I don't think I'll be going to prom.." to which she said nothing and then just continued talking (She's not a mind-reader, neither am I). 

Today I went out skating because I was in bed crying, I was having a bad day. I came home after an hour and was finally just forgetting about prom and was starting to get in a better emotional space... I went up to the room they've offered me and pulled my sweaty hoodie off and sat on the floor to take my shoes off, I check my phone and she sent a snap to the group chat of her in her prom dress, a floor long purple dress, with a flattering dipping V shaped neckline, and an adorable tiara to top it all off.
I glared at my phone and all I could think was "..... fuck you" so I just through my phone onto the floor and started crying. I sent her a text saying she looks like a princess because I wanted to at least make sure she felt hyped up, and I didn't want her to get suspicious of my emotions. I wept and pouted for 20 minutes.

 I was SO sad. I was SO angry. I was SO envious.

I want her to be happy, and I should be happy for her, but I'm so emotionally immature I can't get over the fact that I'm not going and go back to shrugging prom off because it's just a stupid thing made by American culture to show off middle-class wealth and make teenagers feel like pampered show-ponies or whatever the fuck else. It's stupid. Prom is stupid. But regardless of how stupid it is, I still ended up caring about it in the end.