This is me.

I am not a stranger to the dark

Hide away, they say

'Cause we don't want your broken parts

I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars

Run away, they say

No one'll love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

Another round of bullets hits my skin

Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in

We are bursting through the barricades and

Reaching for the sun (we are warriors)

Yeah, that's what we've become (yeah, that's what we've become)

I won't let them break me down to dust

I know that there's a place for us

For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out

I am brave, I am bruised

I am who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh-oh

Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh

This is me

And I know that I deserve your love

(Oh-oh-oh-oh) There's nothing I'm not worthy of

(Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh, oh)

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out

This is brave, this is bruised

This is who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come (look out 'cause here I come)

And I'm marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)

I'm not scared to be seen

I make no apologies, this is me

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down

I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown 'em out

I'm gonna send a flood

Gonna drown 'em out

Oh

This is me

This song has become my Mental Health Anthem. I feel every word of this song and will listen to it on loop on my bad days when I can't see the Light in my Darkness. First time I heard this song was when watching the movie and I CRIED because that's ME! 

I have so many broken parts of myself. I've never had anyone even try to help me put myself back together since my Mother passed away two years ago. She was my Light. She was my Person. My Best friend. Whenever I was falling apart, she'd be the one... The ONLY one... Who'd love me through it all and help me out myself back together. 

I have severe depression and anxiety. I have four different types of depression and three are untreatable and one is deadly because I also suffer from PTSD and DID, so if I switch personalities, one of them will try to take my life. I can be happy and carefree one moment and something will trigger a switch and next thing I know, I'm waking up from a coma because I overdosed on my meds. 

Yes, my doctors... And I've had MANY growing up...have tried nearly every antidepressant they could think of to help my depression and anxiety and the meds either makes me feel like I'm a zombie, makes me agitated and angry, makes me hallucinate and have vivid nightmares to where I'm sleepwalking and screaming. A few of them made me feel more suicidal then I was before starting them. I've even had shock therapy and it helped for a few years, but then something would happen and I'd have a whole new set of triggers. So I don't recommend it. No pain is worth having it all come back again. 

Marijuana helps me to find a higher level of being when I'm in my Dark place. It helps me with my physical, mental and emotional pain. Helps me to eat (I'm anorexic) and helps calms me. My PSD (psychiatric service dogs) also helps me in ways drugs can't. But I crave human interactions and relationships. So I feel like I am always walking a thin line of existing and not. 

Because of my mental illness, I feel and see people pulling away from me and it feels like I can't be my true self without someone looking at me like I'm some kind of freak. I have to hide away all my bad parts so people can love my good parts. It shouldn't have to be this way! On my bad days, I have to hide away my pain. On my good days, I feel like that's the only time I can be loved. No one wants someone who's broken. 

I can't find anyone else who can relate to this and say, "This is me too." 

I feel alone.

Why am I even alive?