How my life is going/ venting ig tw maybe

My life has gone to shit... AND I really mean shit. last year i was doing doog, has barely anything to worry about... smoking ouid allday everyday. and suddenly i wake up one day and smoke, felt fine, i took another one, and boom it felt like i was sinking into nothingness. the anxiety i felt, and btw i have never had a problem with my anxiety like that welst smoking ouid. so mid panic attack i tell myself no moreand pack up all of my stuff to give to my older sister beacuse i did not ever want to feel that again. that same day i wasgoing to my nannys house to go visit because she hasnt been doing so good at this point. i go to leave the car, and that same feeling that i just explained happened again. I convinced myself i was dying and i truly thought i was. i end upo getting to her apartment being so anxiety ridden all i could do was be silent and cry on the couch.it felt like i was there for hours but i was only there for 30ish minutes. i got home and at that point in my life i relyed on ouid to make me have themunchies so i could eat. and i didnteat at all that day so without thinking i smoked again, and the same shit happened again. so then i put all of my bongs and all of my weed into a box and made my mom drive me to my sisters to drop them off. i havent smoked since then (july 14th 2021)

The next two moths where complete hell. i couldnt leave the house i felt like i was dea, and anytime i left my house by just going into my backyard i thought i was dead, it got to the point i had covinced myself i died and i was in pergatory or some shit. i couldnt sleep in my bed i would have to sleep onthe couch upstairs because my room is in the basement and i just didnt feel safe. the nights my mom would be at work allnight i would have to sleep in my parents bed because i felt like i was dying every second of everyday. 

Then we hit september, we are still in the 2 months of my sobriety.. my nanny ended up in hospice, because she was so sick. and she was there for almost a week before passing, she made it to her 82rd birthday on sept 10, and passed away the morning after. i remember being woken up in my bed and this was one of the first times in a month i fell asleep in my own bed, i got woken up by my mom and my grandma by them sitting on the corner of my bed crying with my nannys blanket in their hands. i knew exactly what had happened. i just started crying and we hugged for like 10 minutes straight. then i go upstairs had crawl into my dads arms screaming why and shes gone. anytime i think about that i start to cry or tear up. 

the withdrawlsymptomsstart to go away after a bit but the effects from smoking since 6th grade are never going away, i am curenty ingrade 12, and when i tell you smoking is one of my biggest regrets i mean it, it did unrevercable damage to my brain and mental health.i have been diagnosed with parania, derealization disorder, panic disorder, an arry of anxiety disorders,  and probably more because of how many i ahve been diagnosed with. but the greef plus the symptoms of smoking ouid for about 6 years was the worst experience of my life. that was the first time i had lost a grandparent, i have only ever lost a rabbit and a dog and that was still painful but not as much.

and before all of this i have suffered with a lot of other stuff like body image, an eating disorder which i am still struggling with, depression etc, im struggling with all of this now plus all of the paranoia and other shit. not to mention beforemy nanny passed away my beast friend or what i thought was my best friend fuckin blocked me on everything because she couldnt get free ouid from me anymore so i was also dealing with that loss. and my other best friend moved from ontario (where i live) to alberta so i was also dealing with that. my life completely changed in the span of 2 months. so time goes on, and it is finally october, i start hanging out with one of my friends that i hadnt seen in awhile because her ex boyfriend didnt like me because we usd to have a thing, they werent dating atthe point where we started hanging out again, and she was kinda seeing someone else but it wasnt offical. a few days after her birthday she stopps talking to the guy that she had a thing with because it turns out he was a massive asshole. so i finally got to tell her my feeling towards her, and then she said she felt the same, she just couldnt say itbecause her ex hated me and yeah. so we endedup getting closer than ever, she would spend every weekend she didnt work att my place, and would sometimes saty the night on weekdays, things where going pretty smoothly.

now it is november. i finally get the balls to ask her out because i just really wanted to call her my girlfriend. she said yes we were really happy, we lasted up until a week before new years, and my christmaswas shit becacuse of it. i spent 50 $ on her christmas gift and she didnt get me anything and she wasnt obligated to it just kinda sucked. so basically we didnt end up really talking really other than when she texted me the day after she broke up withme and then told me she sexted her ex boyfruend the same night we broke up. so that broke my heart even more, and we didnt end up really talking until the middle of january

she told me how sorry she was and how much she regreated what she did. and being me i forgave her,and we started working things out. then i told her i dont know if i am ready for that yet after thinking about it for a few days... life goes on and i just kinda mind my own buisness doing really nothing other than going to school, than we agreed to hang out at her place a few days after valentines day.

i told her i wanted to work things out andwe agreed to take it slow. 

now it is march. we were hanging out almost everyday still taking it slow. and it was just normal.i still love her with ever inch of my being, but we had plans last friday,then she blew them off becuse she was hanging out with a friend.. that is what she told me.. so we made plans for saterday... she was hanging out with the same dude... same with sunday and monday. then she told me she had been hanging out with a guy she met on tinder. even though wr were working things out. so we didnt talk for a few days becuase i figured that she might have been just fucking around for some free booze. but they aparently have been hanging out everyday this week.. so ishoot her a text today asking if she had feelings for him, she said yes and my heart broke into a million pieces. we had plans again today and i had to cancel them because i was so upset. so i told her i have to stay away from her because obviously i have been holding onto something that isnt there anymore. and she just kept saying she didnt care what happened between us and it just fucking sucks because ii have poored my soul to her. i convinced myself we were soulmates and we would be together for a long time. she was the only person therefor meafter my nannydied, after i lost both of myfriends,and i guess i just meant nothing to her. and just when i thought my life was getting better she had to go knock it right back down again and i have honestly just given up at this point. i am done dealing with this pain i juat want to stay in bed and forget about life. i miss my nanny, i miss her, i even miss the bitch of a friend i used to have even if she was just using me.i want my old life back i wish i didnt feel the way i do.

i just want to feel happy again. i am not ready for the next obsticle in my life i really dont have the energy or determanation to deal with it. i just want to be happy again. 

anyways that is it for now i guess 

- sadly_trin.