it must feel so weird to be an animal

i want to try to turn typing up things like this into a habit, though whether it stays here or i move it somewhere else is to be determined. i thought about starting this up on a neocities or something, but that requires much more motivation on my part compared to a simple editor like this one. regardless, i don't really have much to say today. "i" spent pretty much the entire day just being scared.

it's hard with this vice in life to know exactly who is doing what, and lately everything feels piloted by everything else. i keep forgetting things that should be habitual to me due to not being on my own and the complete loss of autonomy at any moment is really scary. not that that is anything new in general, but still. trying to deal with my own emotions toward that and how they have effects on their own is scary, too. it's an everyday thing, a day-to-day thing, but it still sucks. most of my energy gets spent trying to get by. i don't really know what typing out something like this will accomplish, either, but at least it puts things into thoughts somewhere.

i'd like to practice writing more, actually. not necessarily in a traditional sense, but as a way to form the thoughts i have into some sort of actual shape rather than nonsensical abstracts. while dealing with these things today, i went through a lot of random web directories. read a lot of textfiles and blog posts, but didn't really gain much besides adding more to an already tangled web of thoughts i'm already dealing with. on that note, it's kind of funny to find a blog in a web directory labelled "insane ramblings", then click on it and find that that those "insane ramblings" actually align scarily with yourself. and then scroll further and, oh yeah, okay, yeah, alright, this makes sense now. i guess. i mean, isn't it funny? whatever.

i talked a lot about art with friends today, too, actually. so some thoughts are still buzzing around about that. i'll write about them some other time, though. i need to get into the habit of finishing off my technology use somehow or i'll never sleep.

wait, one last thing, i'm really scared of adding people on here, actually. i'm scared of doing that in most places, but i don't really know if it's rational or not. i don't have a good grasp on it. sorry if i just let friend requests sit around.