Rant

I know my body is wrong there's so much incorrect about it. But I've spent years stuffing those things down and it's second nature now. I refuse to come put because I was already a major culture shock for my entire family(adopted, black, not straight, and mental health<3) and I don't want to break my mom so I figured I can find a middle ground but wound up stuffing everything into nothingness. Now I want to cry nightly because body is so incorrect. It's proportions, build. Lol it's while make and model. If I ever did have surgery I'd never tell anyone of my past. But I can't at least ibtell myself I can't because I don't want to sit there and enjoy all the feminine things I do enjoy but betray the masc side of me. So my best plan is to slim down get some trinkets to feel more masc and on the days I want I might wear something feminine. I don't knowbif I'm just incredibly messed up💀 or confused, but I do know nothing feels rightI'm feminine in so many areas, there's so many things I love but I'm not a woman, and I know this I tried the label of androgy and that didn't feel right, neither does non. It's almost so wrong. I can only tell a few friends and I was met mostly with "I support you but.." and it's just it's all horrible. I don't know what to do, how to feel, to think.