being the fat girl. TW for eating disorders and SH

I hate food.I hate eating but i cant stop i know its unhealthy but i just want to stop i want to throw up every meal i eat im tired of being fat im tired or my back fat and my side profile im so sick of myself.  it sucks cause when i look in the mirror for too long i start to see my insecurities more and i just feel more disgusted with myself. i want to gouge my eyes out and cut the fat off my body.Latley ive been cutting myself as a form of punishment for not working out or eating healthy.I know its addicting and i know its wrong but i deserve it. im disgusting and i feel like this is the only way i can change myself. its so fucked up that i want to strive to have an eating disorder and its even more pathetic that i cant go through with it because im so fucking fat that i cant even go a day without eating. it hurts so much i cant shut myself up. all i want is to be perfect and for people to like me im so tired of being the fat ugly friend its so exhausting i just want people to like me.