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As a child the first ever sexual act that i encountered was when i caught my parents having sex. I was 5 years old or so, yet the image imprinted itself like permanent ink in my mind. As a kid i didn't think much of it, it didn't hold any meaning in my eyes. the naked tangled bodies of my parents (although unusual) didn't seem much to me until later on. When i first discovered what sex was i was able to connect the dots, and the first feeling that i felt was repulsion.
Just for context i was one of those kids that whenever a kiss scene in a movie would come up, i would visibly gag and cover my eyes. Luckily i grew out of that phase a few years ago, and although i still am not fond of such displays of affection i do not feel repulsed by it any longer, i even grew to kinda(?) like it (although it really depends on the person).
And so i thought that through time i would have also started to warm up to the concept of sex, but that wasn't really the case.
When i hit puberty (if not before) i discovered porn, from videos to explicit images and written explicit stories. and i wasn't repulsed by it like i usually was when thinking about sex, i actually quite enjoyed it, there was a beauty in it (in a very perverted way) seeing or imagining people being free of their usual boundaries was weird at first, it was new, but at the same time very interesting. And at some point i started thinking: "did i want to have something like that?" and there i took two steps backwards, the repulsion came back.
I didn't and i don't want to be part of it, although i may enjoy seeing it, doesn't mean that i have to also "participate" in it, at first i felt a little bit hypocritical (which was a bit strange since why would i need to feel like a hypocrite over something like that?) but i came to accept it more and more; especially lately i've had some people (i'm not gonna specify) that started putting pressure on me for not having sex or not wanting to have sex, which i can understand not being able to understand right away my point of you, however if i say no its fucking no. When this first started i was feeling kinda "guilty" for not doing what they wanted, but after some time i started to just get annoyed. if it really is that fucking difficult to respect my fucking choices stop being around me.
it took me loads of time and thinking to understand what i wanted and what i felt comfortable, (and this is without mentioning having to figure out my sexuality and gender) and it feels fucking bad when someone just dismiss that with a: "i will change your mind" or whatever shit people have to fucking shit out, cuz you know what, maybe one day i will change my mind, but it will not be because of you, it will be my own choice which you have no control over.
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