Alienated from my mother

I never learnt how to express my feelings in my mother tongue. My mother never welcomed me with comfort when I needed it. She met me with mockery and underestimation. So I turned to the internet, to music, to art. I learnt to express myself through meaningless lyrics and messy sketches that I scribbled out in the end. I memorized chords and tabs and pressed so hard on the tie steel strings that the tips of my fingers turned raw. Lines imprinted and fingertips calloused, I taught my fingers to stretch out on the fret board and pavloved my brain into relating a simple seven on E and five on A into two on E and five on A to a feeling of emptiness. I stopped feeling in my mother tongue and rewrote my brain's code into English. I never learnt to talk to my friends about my feelings but I learnt to trust strangers on the internet with my secrets. I started wishing for professional help but quickly realized I won't be able to express myself in my mother tongue. After all, my mother only mocked me when I did.