Diary of a clueless girl

So, I’ve came to the realization I don’t know what I am doing in my life…

From my still ongoing college degree that I should’ve already completed but I changed my majors too many times because I am the most indecisive person. I feel like most of my friends are lightyears ahead of me. It’s strange since I used to be the overachiever, but I don’t know where my head. To my undiagnosed case of bipolarism, and what I believe to be my manic episodes. I am not opposed to seeking help in terms of my mental health like I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, but I just noticed what could be similar to symptoms to bipolarism in recent years. It would explain a lot of my mood changes… I am rambling at this point and I’m sure if there even was a point to this blog in the first place lol. I am just reflecting on my actions, thoughts, or words that could have led me down this path. I was once the most detached person but now since I got a taste of how good it can be to be able to feel comfortable with someone that’s all I crave. Its quite sad in my opinion that I rely so heavily on relationships to get that assurance. I fall so quickly its unsettling, but I think because I want to be loved so badly that I resorted to accepting what I think is love from people I know don’t have the best intentions. Currently, I’m dealing with someone so emotionally detached that I think is causing me to work harder for their affections which is obviously not healthy. I think the worst part of this that I am self-aware, but I continue to follow the same path with every new partner expecting a new result. Quite pitiable if you ask me. Speaking of relationships, I think I’m at the age where I realize that most of friendships would dissolve over time, but I didn’t realize to what extent. Most of my close friends have moved on and when they reach out its to talk about them or request a favor. I did a four drive for one of my “friend’s” birthday and he couldn’t even bother to remember mine. Maybe that’s just a growing pain of moving on but it still hurts the same. Sometimes it just makes me wonder if we were ever as close as I thought we were or was it all in my head? I digress because at least I have a small-knit group of friends I realized have my best interest in heart. I appreciate them so greatly so I guess I should let go of the old and focus on what I have now lol. It took me writing this to have this to have that realization it seems. But as much as I complained in this post, I do appreciate the people I have, and life works in mysterious ways with great opportunities that have graced me so I don’t want to come off completely whiny. I just needed a place to expand on thoughts and feelings I don’t usually express verbally. Hopefully, someone reads this random post full of ups and downs and they might be able to relate or take something away.