just found out about something terrible that my ex friend did

so

tw: sa

someone I was friends with from 11-15,someone who i used to shoplift with, someone who I used to write fan fiction and stupid poems with, someone who I used to role play with and text with on my way to school.

he sexually assaulted someone.

and honestly, I knew he was shady and terrible sometimes. but I thought it was just in a haha virgo moment kind of manipulative, control freak way.

wrong.

incredibly disappointed. disgusted. idek. it's kind of. put me in a state of shock. that someone who used to be my best friend could do something so genuinely horrific.

and I know it should have been a red flag when I started using they/them when I was 13/14 and he like. legitimately bullied me. for months until he wore me down. am I too forgiving? am I too stupid and blinded by own desperate loneliness to realise when someone's terrible?

it shouldve been a red flag when he was a little too excited to go get drunk with a bunch of girls in the middle of our prom. it shouldve been a red flag when he. God. did anything.

and... he did - that thing- in like. January. and no one told me until today. I don't know if its because no one else knew until today or what but... I mean. its been like 7 months and I was sitting there liking all his posts and replying to all his stories and thinking we were still bffs and thinking he was great for that entire time. I feel like all my time has been wasted. I feel sick. I feel terrible for the girls who had to experience what he did. 

I. am stupid. I am too forgiving. and I don't know how to change that. I feel so sick.