Serious entry- i got out of an emotionally abusive relationship.

I had a thing with a girl, which got toxic fast. I have BPD, and can quickly develop something called a ''favourite person.'' this was it for me. I hate to say it, but i was obsessed with her. I wasnt crazy about it though, of course i let her talk to other friends and never bombarded her with messages. I knew that kind of stuff was toxic and didnt want to make our relationship even more so. But all my thoughts were consumed with her, dreams even. 

she was awful. She would flirt with me and get my hopes up and crush them right back down. For a person who was extremely in love, this was very hard to cope with. She would tell me how amazing i was and how in love with me she was, for it all turning out to be fake. Let me remind you guys, i was obsessed. my thought process was not like a neurotypical persons. Mine was skewed and even the littlest thing would set me off. Again, i never told her ANYTHING about this. and to this day i havent, i want to let her not know. 

we were friends for awhile until around January, she asked if i liked her at any point to which i said yes. This was shocking to her but we still remained to stay friends since i said i was ''over it''- which in my case i thought i was, but obviously not. 

We barely talked throughout febuarary, but started actually talking again on spring break. (3 weeks ago) She started being EXTREMELY flirty during this time. By this i mean us sleeping together, hanging out together, cuddling each other, and saying she genuinely did love me. so hence all the feelings came back like a truck hitting someone. It came back full force and all the emotions came back- the dreams too. 

Last night i told her i liked her the entire time. This was so rough for me, because i knew the moment we became friends it was not going to end well. i knew this was going to be the ending solution. This was going to get me out of the cycle. She didnt react well. She was trying to get me out of this, saying i wasnt thinking. She was trying so hard to save our ''friendship''- it was never that. It was more complicated and it needed to end. She was demonizing herself to get me to stop saying it which didnt work...

We then cooled down and 30 minutes later had a mature talk. We are not mad at eachother, she said she could never be mad at me over something like this, but said we cannot be friends right now. I completely understood and even said maybe never- maybe we will never be friends again.

Everything ended cleaner than i expected. A forest fire for sure- but only a portion of the forest was burned when i expected everything to crumble. 

The last words she said to me before cutting me off on everything was 

thank u, next 0:45 by ariana grande. To people it might seem stupid, but i thought this was a beautiful ending. 

I think shes doing worse than me. I expected this, while she did not. Shes not doing well, i know by the amount of time it took her to respond to the simplest of questions. I told her what she needed to do what cut me off, and she respected those wishes. When i told her this was my response to stuff ( BPD response- self sabotage ) she said that it was extremely crazy and that it was too much. i cant imagine the hurt she felt as she had to do that to me.

For anybody whos struggling with the same thing as me, you guys are going to break the cycle. Its going to suck. Its going to hurt and maybe youll try to contact them again in hoping theyve changed. Dont do it, you are stronger than this. I got through this extremely challenging 7 month journey, and for some it lasted way longer than 7 months. No matter the situation, you will get out of it. Im proud of you and you are so strong. And for people who struggle with BPD like me, you are not a monster. You are human and amazing the way you are but remember; your mental health is an explanation, not an excuse. No matter what though, you are amazing and should never be demonized for your mental health. We are strong and need to break the stigma..

With that, Poisonous Payton signing off. Have a wonderful day guys. 

March 26th, 2002 (2022)