Missing My Mama

I miss my mama so bad. We found out that she had a mass on her lungs on March 28th 2021. In five weeks, she was gone. It was already stage 4 and metastized to her lymph nodes in her neck by the time we had found it. There was basically nothing we could do for her. I felt so helpless. At 36 years old, I had to watch my 52 year old mother die. I might as well have been a five year old. When you lose your parent, it doesn't matter how old you are, you feel alone and scared. Knowing that I couldn't do anything for her made it worse. I had survivors guilt. I asked, "why her, why me?" She was a good woman. She didn't deserve this! I knew people that weren't thankful for the lives that they had. Why not them?! For these next few weeks, I was a zombie..eat, sleep, work, repeat. I would sleep as much as I could while I was at home that way I didn't feel as lonely as we lived together. THAT was the hardest part. We were close as any mother and daughter could be. Sure we had our fights like ANY other mother and daughter, but that's part of life. We, for the most part, got along very well. Now, my life had to move on without her. I had to find a new purpose. How? I don't know how. I'm just trying to put one foot in front of the other like I think she would want me to. I know she wouldn't want me to give up. She would want me to live my life to the fullest. She was a woman of God. I know that I will see her again. I know I have to carry on for her. This is my cross to bear. I will live my life in a way that I know would make her proud. And when the Lord calls me home I will see her and my grandmothers again.

And that is what brings me peace and keeps me going...