Over-explaining

I’ve always been one to over share, I like to give the full story on my life and leave no detail out. I feel some sort of compulsion to over explain as if the person listening doesn’t understand basic context clues. There are some articles out there that explain what this type of behavior means but I’m the type that doesn’t like to read to much into it or I’ll convince myself of something I most likely don’t have. There are so many mental disorders I’ve tried to diagnose myself with. Spanning from basic anxiety, which I might have, all the way to autism. I don’t know why I thought I had autism but a BuzzFeed quiz convinced me and I went with it. The point is that I don’t know how to shut up sometimes. I get scared that if people don’t know my truth then they’ll judge me and for some reason I’m terrified of being judged. I don’t want to have others see me in a light that makes me look bad. I’m afraid they’ll think less of me or scold me for not being a certain way. Sounds ridiculous right? That’s because it is, the way I think sometimes is just ridiculous in itself. I convince myself that I have to be perfect at all times or others will believe I’m different from them. That I’m not normal and I’m not worthy of their friendship or love. I have extreme trauma from when I was young, the girls I was friends with were mean and manipulative. I was very loud and emotional as a child and didn’t know how to keep some of my thoughts to myself. I was impulsive and didn’t act my age occasionally. My personality was seen as unfriendly sometimes and the other kids would make fun of me for being so short tempered. We don’t realize that our own peers can be our worst enemies and when you’re a kid trying to fit in then that can take a toll on your ego. I never knew what was wrong with me while growing up, I guess I wasn’t as aware of my actions back then. Everything that has happened causes me to over analyze everything I do to the point I get paranoid when I can’t read how a person is perceiving me. So I just smile and act like I’m happy even when I’m not because I’m afraid of showing how I truly feel. I got used to just never expressing my feelings to the point I don’t even know how to anymore. I want to tell people how I feel thought, I want everyone to know what’s going on in my mind so they can see that I’m messed up for a reason. I want them to know why I have such a hard time speaking to others and why I’m so awkward and distant but I can’t. So I like to write down what I’m thinking, it makes me feel like I’m more in control of my thoughts. Some days I wonder if my mind is a building on fire and everyone is trying to escape. They’re screaming and fighting for their life, terrified of what will happen to them. Some let the fire consume them and others jump out a window, preferring a death that is decided by them and not an unpredictable entity. Praying and hoping for someone to rescue them from this nightmare of an experience but no one is going to come.