A hopeless rant.

At least, that's what she was in my eyes. Seems that I never was the same way to her, wouldn't feel the same way I was. That day was pretty much one of the most painful days ever, it felt like my heart, built up from becoming the happiest man on the planet torn shreds to becoming broken. The second she told me "I don't feel the same way with you, you aren't my boyfriend anymore". That just really changed me completely, I was never the same ever since. Then onwards it was just merely an on and off relationship since, never been able to find the sparks with it. Despite me still being deeply in love with her, it became a very toxic infatuation. I couldn't move on, not from the words she said, it just hit me. I couldn't feel her love the same way I did before. Tried going with other girls, never was the same. My heart yet so, was full of resentment for her, to make my efforts feel like trash and so on. I never felt worse ever in my life. And above all, while nobody wanted me and cared about my wellbeing, there were many men which were wanting her, giving her gifts and so on. Imagine being wanted and so on, I couldn't have enough of her shit anymore, days and days I've spent crying on the bed, wanting to really just end this misery forever. And being honest this was the first time ever crying over a girl so it's that big. Yet so we still were together, on and off. Shit was depressive for both of us now, she did leave all those guys behind, but yet they keep coming for her. Yet me on the other side I've lost all my friends giving attention to her, nobody to check on me and shit, all I had is music and my bed. Zero hope.

After that, I finally left her. For good. Maybe I thought it was the best decision, maybe not. I left her without any closure at all. Being tired of her and my crippling mental health. I just told her, find someone else who'll treat you better than me, and I'll be on mine. Ever since then, me and her never talked. Been almost a year now. No means of communication.

Since leaving her, I felt like a ray of hope glistened my life, I put my frustration and my disappointment into working for something a lot better, started working out into changing my body and being hotter. And eventually launched a YouTube and started following my passion. Life has improved for me. But well. There's the other side.

In terms of love, I honestly don't even know how to contemplate, it's been on and off, haven't found the one for me, got my heart broken more times than it was fixed. Made more foes than companions. My luck lol. But here's the thing really, it's been over a year and shit, but. Honestly

Looking back at things, she's in a relationship with a new man, she's been there with a man who definitely shot his shot the moment I left her, unable to cope more. That's what I feel so jealous with, her being so happy. Surrounded with love and friends to support her. And here I am, just only myself to be with me ever since I existed. Nobody to tell me I'm great, nobody to tell me nothing. I still wonder what did I do wrong, moments like these really make me feel like I want to erase myself on the planet. I still admit, I think about her time to time, ain't like anything greater has happened in my life. Just more problems with others.

I'm not really attractive and shit, and once I lose my 'nice and serviceable' mood I really am not that interesting tbh. Life hits you hard.