catching up xx

On a real note tho, I feel like i have not yet reached my queer fantasy yet like I feel like I could give so much more but I think im just scared.

On another note, I wish some things didn't happen to me as a child so I wouldn't have to carry all this baggage around. poor little child haha I feel very guilty and ashamed, i wanna give little me a hug. it affects nearly every part of my life, how I eat or rather how I don't eat lol, the way I act around certain people, in situations where im supposed to vulnerable. I can't do it, I go silent. I was never really taught how to talk about my feelings. my parents were very closed off. i just wanna be a baby in mums arms again. I don't remember what that feels like but I think it would be nice. I wish they would understand me more.

things are a lil strange with Ben atm. I don't think they like me anymore. but maybe that's just me being insecure. I try my hardest to be open with them but I don't really have the right skills. it is so hard sometimes bc both of our emotions are so up and down all the time. I remember when I had a rlly nice conversation with them once and they pointed it out. I wish every conversation was like that.

I want to be an artist of some kind. like im not that good at anything but words literally fail me. I can't speak what I want to say ever. anywhomst, I love mhairi sm, she is a real gem. she makes me feel so comfortable and she reminds me of my friends back home, how we would just be absolute freaks of nature for no apparent reason. I miss you grace, im sorry we're both so busy all the time. I loved growing up with you.

ill write again after Friday, it should be soyyyy fun xx

ily mwah