Im not sure

2 Months ago something crushed me, I tried to cope I guess by walking out into the darkest woods I could in the middle of the night alone, I thought nothing mattered and I was bored so I wasn't scared (I was, very very scared) but explored anyway. I came home shaking and happy to be alive and you know I guess I felt better so that's how I started exploring alone. There was lots of running and shaking at the start but eventually I got so comfortable with being alone in the scariest places that I would pretend my worst nightmares were with me. This one time I was in the sewers and had just watched a scary movie, and would turn off my flashlight and start running. I don't know why I did this but it wasn't fun, it was scary. I thought I deserved to die like this so I kept abandoning my brain and started sprinting towards danger. Eventually life got okay again so I stopped. I realised as I got numb to the darkness I became extremely fearful of the regular world. I would cry on the way to school in absolute terror, I wouldn't leave my room if it wasn't absolutely necessary, and I still wasn't scared of all the creatures in the night. Everything associated with everyday life gave me a panic attack. Now I don't believe in curses or demons but its almost like on one of my adventures (I went to a lot of satanic areas)(like places other people would leave candles and pentagrams)(ahem, they left worse things but i wont get into that) Anyways its almost like I got cursed to be fearless and brave of all things scary but all that fear was put into non-scary things??? i'm bad at articulating but I would simply feel terror by just existing UNTIL i was alone at night. Im not talking about depression and social anxiety, I had those way before now trust me. Its something else and It's not slowing down. This is still going on and I cant live like this. I want to but Im not going to kill myself, Its unexplainable how much pain im currently in for no reason.