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Category: Life

Numero uno

I feel like this is some sort of catchartic moment in a coming-of-age teen movie where I finally create a new, fun 'real' version of me anonymously to the internet to see and adore and I rant about my silly little problems and the internet thinks it is the shit and i get super famous and finally ambrace being that fictional person in real life....


ok realistically a couple of people will see this, agree, and give a couple of kudos maybe, then go about their day peacefully, but just know that I appreciate any small token of appreciation given my way, however insignificant it may seem to you. 
OMG here I go again, trying to divert the topic and skirting around the hard truth.

I am so fucking numb rn. I feel like im drifting aimlessly through life, occasionally acknowledging the presence of others. I think i've mentally cut off all my friends because I know that they dont think of me that often either, so it's just easier this way. We'll all be parting ways soon, where we will make our own friends, maybe a couple will stay in touch with each other (that, my friends, is a secret tool that will be revealed later), but all in all i think i will be pretty much forgotten after a couple of years, aside from the occasional involvement in an inside joke that gets brought up...
Hopefully i make friends for life, that's what fucking terrifies me about uni. What if i end up in the same place I am now, mourning the loss of what isnt and what could have been, reminiscing the very days that I am dreading to exist in right now? What if im a loner again, drifting away from my friends because i will, and i know i will, convince myself that ethy are all being polite, that none of them actually enjoy my company, because I have nothing to offer except a husk of their own reflection echoing them because it's better to me generally liked by everyone and avoid conflict that to have a real personality, right? Actually, I do have a personality. well, personalities. for everyone that i meet. curated specifically to match their expectations based on interests, humour, likeability, intelligence, and a plethora of other attributes that I like in a person but feel like I must also embody in order for the other person to percieve me as someone worthy of their time.

Anyways, this is getting quite meaty already and theres a lot to unpack, so i shall be signing off for now, but you havent seen the last of me world ;)

x sculderbaby x


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