December 2020

I am forgetting to brush my teeth. I am in the back of my room gnawing away at my own brain because I can only prove I'm alive when I'm in pain. I am the voices in my head that always manage to be right. I am starving myself. I am binge eating, I am binge drinking. I am hours of analyzing conversations with people and contemplating what the one eyeroll meant, and I am bringing myself to tears when I realize they hate me a little more than I thought. I am kissing vape smoke into people's mouths and laughing when they cough. and when they throw up. and when they die. and I'll laugh my way to their funeral and cry my way out, because I'm only a bitch when there's no one there to call me one. I am "just friends" and I am phone sex and car sex and candy cigarettes- I'm not cool enough for the real ones. I am the fire and I am the matchbox too because the root of my problems didn't fall far from the tree. I am the what ifs and the not yets, the "right person, wrong time." I am that secret love that you'd kill to keep... soon you'll just realize that it might be easier to just kill me instead.