lunchbox friends

outside of class, i spend most of my time with S, T, R, and N, plus a mix of others depending on what's actually happening within the day.

during class, it's usually T or S who i sit next to and i usually get a lot done when i'm with them which is good :)

i think who i spend time with during lunch tells the most about myself and my own choices. there is our 'group': N1, N2, T, S, C, P, J, and me. 

we all sit in the same room together and either go on our phones or make really weak conversation.

it's as boring as it sounds. 

our group formed around a year ago, and i don't think in that time that i've ever felt like it was an actual friend group that i felt a part of. don't get me wrong!! i love each and every one of those girls and individually, i can make conversation with each one and they're all very sweet to me.

however, as a whole, there's really not a whole lot there. if the group just stopping meeting in that same room, i don't think it would be earth shattering to anyone, you know? 

as well as that, i don't think i share a lot of the same interests as all of them; we all play different sports, have different ways we spend time on our own, meet in separate groups over the weekend etc.

while each of us have our own amazing individuality, there's nothing that links us all together and so the feeling of a group never really existed to start with, nor has it been built up by any of us. 

C, P, J and N2 all meet up together over the weekends, while S, T, N1 and I are usually together because we're boarders. it's never actually been said, but i think that C, P, J and N2 are a friend group in their own right, and the boarders don't really form a group on their own because there's others around us.

i don't think i would actually want exactly what C, P, J and N2 have, because i feel like we're very different and their ideas of fun are different to mine. however, all my life i have been told about all the fun everyone has in high school as a teenager, how the friends you make feel so important, and i feel a bit cheated out of a large part of my childhood. 

it makes me sad how my friends and i all lose the experiences of going to each other's houses after school and on weekends, meeting to shop in town, going on adventures and picnics and to beaches and pools. we not only see it plastered over social media but also right in front of us as they all make plans for the weekend.

and for me at least, the smallest bit of envy flickers inside.

which will sometimes flare into resent every time J, my best friend, begins to tell me how bored she is, or when she complains about missing out on what happens in boarding.

nothing happens in boarding.

obviously her feelings are all very valid, before i was a boarder i got bored with life too and i know its a bad feeling. but even as i type out my 'i'm sorry things aren't going so well right now' response, i try not to cry because i would give so much to have the feeling of security in friendships and in life that she does.

anyway, what my friend group shows about me is that i find it hard to get comfortable with people. i don't have a lot to say. i don't ask for what i most want in the whole world. i stay quiet and float around the edges, and suck it the fuck up because there is no escape until someone else says so.

anyway, today was quite bad because of all this. i used to think i'd get closer with them and somehow fall into the life i'd always wanted, but i seriously doubt that now.

so i think the truth is that i don't actually have a friend group. 

i have a group of girls who, although they are kind and sweet and funny and good friends who i value, still remind me every day how i can disappear at any time and it would not matter.