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I love guard. I adore it with all my heart. But there's this general thing when you join a performance art where to an extent you stop seeing it as something beautiful. My hands are calloused and my nails crack off. My feet are rough from the dancing and my feet feel unnatural if they're not pointed. My arms are so sore right now, they have been for the past week straight. My knees are straight purple because our director wanted us to be dragged on a flag pole and it bent under my weight, the girl and boy trying to hold me up dropped me and my knees slammed against the gym floor. There's a scar on my back from a carpet burn because we wanted to drag someone in for a preshow. There's another scar under my eye from my freshman year when the end of a pole smacked me in the face my first day there. My hands shake constantly, and I don't think it'll ever stop at this point. My wrist is always strained, I get muscle spasms in it almost every day and I've gotten so used to it by now I just crack my wrist repeatedly until it stops. And I'm always, always tired.
But I'm good at it. And that's something I'll always take pride in. I'm going to be proud of myself for being a tired person and continuing to push through it. I went from being quiet and weak to someone who's strong and I'm less scared to speak my mind. And most importantly, I'm glad people can find comfort in my presence in that program. Girls who told me they felt comfortable with me as their rifle captain. The girl who got her five and ran to tell me immediately since I had a five solo during marching season. The boy who told me he was genuinely planning on quitting until I started teaching him. The other boy who when I was threatened to get cut because I didn't show up to a practice told me that if I got cut half the guard would leave with me.
I'm tired, but I can't imagine myself without this program.
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daniel
real recognizes real