vent abt having divorced parents

i want to start out by saying that I love my friends so so so much, and i know that none of this is their fault. but sometimes i feel like a total outcast. the thing is that they all have happily married parents, whereas mine are divorced. im the only one in my friend group who doesnt have married parents. they never tell me much about their parents relationships but they never complain about them fighting. mine used to argue all the time when i was little and i remember the way my dad used to scream at my mom while she layed in bed with me and held me as we were both crying. i think that was a really big core memory for me. i was at a friends house today and he has one of those personalized calendars with pictures of him with his family. it made me sad to think about how even if his parents got divorced in the future (which doesnt seem like itll be anytime soon) he will have all these good memories with them. i have very few memories of me with both my parents where it ended well. i think the only one that comes to mind at the moment was when we went to the circus when i was maybe 5. i saw a picture of the 3 of us and i asked my mom when it was from and she said it was from a month before they had gotten divorced. it made me sad to think about how they looked so happy in the picture but how at home it was the complete opposite. i know its so much better to have them divorced instead of being surrounded by their constant arguing but theres so many bad parts to it aswell (switching houses every week, having to split holidays, not being able to see my dad for weeks at a time over the summer, not having good memories with them, having my friends ask me what house im at for the week, etc). the thing is that they only get along when theyre making rules (they think i should have the same rules at both houses) and sometimes they can be a little strict. dont get me wrong i love both my parents, but i will never understand why they couldnt just love each other they way i love them. i know they will always have a special place in each others hearts but it pains me to see that all my friends have good role models infront of them everyday when my parents were never like that. i will never know how im supposed to be treated in a relationship because i never grew up around healthy ones. for some reason this has been pressing me alot recently and i dont really have anyone to talk to about it because my therapist only ever asks me about how my depression is going. the thing is that i dont even have a great relationship with either of my parents. my mom and i dont talk much and shes a workaholic. my dad and i get along really well sometimes but sometimes we have fights that bring back flashbacks from when i was little because he yells at me how he yelled at my mom. 

im vvvv tired so im not gonna read this through or edit it because i know that if i do im going to cry harder than i already am. im gonna grab a pickle

-sofia