Negan Mactavish's profile picture

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Category: Life

Hello, echochamber

I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know who I was before. I couldn't find my feet before and I can't seem to find them now. I know the stories, the steps and instructions but not for me. I may never know these for me. They say PTSD is flashbacks but it's wondering who you are, what your hands do, what they've done, the paranoia from sounds, smells or movements, the feeling of eyes on you, your mind breaking and giving you voices or even delusions and hallucinations. 


I wonder what if. Who would I be if I didn't walk through that? If I had just paused and thought "This isn't right" and fought a completely different battle for safety. Would I have come out the same way? 

I had COVID for just over two weeks. It was like the flu. I breathed easier than when I had tonsillitis though. COVID was nicer than tonsillitis which nearly killed me by blocking my airways. Instead I was sleepy and wondered when my taste would come back. we will find it we will find it we will find it every little bit of it Now it's over, I've got a new problem. My taste buds are broken. I can't taste stuff, even my guilty pleasures are just nothing. And alongside nothing other things taste like old pennies and rotten meat. I haven't drunk water in so long because it tastes like rotten blood. I've been drinking coke because it has no flavour or strong coffee. I had a Monster this week though and it was strong enough for me to taste mango. I felt like crying when I just downed the damn drink. 

I can't smell much either. I don't even remember smell being a symptom of COVID. I can't smell the litter when I pour it into the tray, the cooking, the farms, the horses, my favourite deodorant. If I wasn't broken before I certainly am now. I don't know if I actually want to be fixed at this point either. Where's the fun in being fixed and walking and talking like everybody else on this fucking rock? Bite me. I admire the men with the masks. The real fucking nutjobs who don't hesitate to fuckify shit up. I glorify it even. Should I do what they do? Reckless, loud and certainly not going out quietly. Check point. 


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