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When I was a kid I asked my parents if they loved me or God more and my dad didn't even pause before he answered which I guess is why the youth pastor never went to jail for what he did to me and others.
Was never sure if we were Catholic or Protestant; think we were Church of England? Which seems to be centerist but leaning Prot.
I wasn't allowed a lot of books. I was allowed the Bible. There were two books I loved; there was Esther, which at the time was a lifeboat to me because it was a tapestry of beautiful names and female empowerment and suffrage and there was Revalations. And there was Job, who I despised but empathised with.
(This dude really let his fucking kids starve to death because God told him to? Yeah I don't want this actually).(My dad? Absolutely he would.)
I guess my dad is Job, here. And me at eight years old it's 3am and I have the Bible and my torch beneath the duvet because it's a school night and I'm reading Revelations and I didn't think I would witness it first-hand, I guess.
It's this gathering cloud of something I don't understand. It's the world on fire. It's people I have forgotten dying and I feel guilty. It's a lip that doesn't stop trembling it is a gas fire behind my teeth.
One day I will sink into the soil but who knows if there will still be soil. Who knows if I will blossom into flowers if there are no flowers left.
Optimism as a concept is so fraught. Like I am ballet-tiptoe to the truth but cannot actually look at it.
Comments
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XLeonoreX
I only read the first line bjy im so angry how fucking dare he I’ll show him how creative I can be with dishing out punishment to a guy that dares to mess with anyone like that especially kids uhhh in fuming
need to get something to calm me down
Draxdoll
Some people take their religion too far or too seriously. I am catholic myself, and so are my parents, and they weren't as extreme as your when I was a child. I'm sorry this happened to you :(
Wednesday Moon
I am speechless. This is beautiful in it’s pain and sorrow. I’m sorry you were abused in the name of organized religion. I’m sending you hugs.
Shadow Bliss
Yep, I feel that.
✿blush puppy
god has to be a sadist, right?