To All The Unwed Mothers

When I was a kid I asked my parents if they loved me or God more and my dad didn't even pause before he answered which I guess is why the youth pastor never went to jail for what he did to me and others.

Was never sure if we were Catholic or Protestant; think we were Church of England? Which seems to be centerist but leaning Prot.

I wasn't allowed a lot of books. I was allowed the Bible. There were two books I loved; there was Esther, which at the time was a lifeboat to me because it was a tapestry of beautiful names and female empowerment and suffrage and there was Revalations. And there was Job, who I despised but empathised with.

(This dude really let his fucking kids starve to death because God told him to? Yeah I don't want this actually).(My dad? Absolutely he would.)

I guess my dad is Job, here. And me at eight years old it's 3am and I have the Bible and my torch beneath the duvet because it's a school night and I'm reading Revelations and I didn't think I would witness it first-hand, I guess. 

It's this gathering cloud of something I don't understand. It's the world on fire. It's people I have forgotten dying and I feel guilty. It's a lip that doesn't stop trembling it is a gas fire behind my teeth.

One day I will sink into the soil but who knows if there will still be soil. Who knows if I will blossom into flowers if there are no flowers left. 

Optimism as a concept is so fraught. Like I am ballet-tiptoe to the truth but cannot actually look at it.

12 Kudos


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XLeonoreX's profile picture

I only read the first line bjy im so angry how fucking dare he I’ll show him how creative I can be with dishing out punishment to a guy that dares to mess with anyone like that especially kids uhhh in fuming need to get something to calm me down

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Draxdoll's profile picture

Some people take their religion too far or too seriously. I am catholic myself, and so are my parents, and they weren't as extreme as your when I was a child. I'm sorry this happened to you :(

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Wednesday Moon

Wednesday Moon's profile picture

I am speechless. This is beautiful in it’s pain and sorrow. I’m sorry you were abused in the name of organized religion. I’m sending you hugs.

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Shadow Bliss

Shadow Bliss's profile picture

Yep, I feel that.

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✿blush puppy

✿blush puppy's profile picture

god has to be a sadist, right?

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